In Memory of...

Last year around this time we went on a camping trip and our fur baby Buddy unexpectantly passed away. I couldn't go without remembering him during this month. He wasn't really Jon's dog at first, but became ours when we got together and was a very important part of our lives. For anyone that personally knows us, our dogs are very important in our lives. I remember being very angry, b/c we had struggled with infertility for a long time and I felt that God was taking the only babies that we had. Buddy was a beautiful majestic pure black German Shepard. We were never afraid when he was around. He had the biggest heart. He was HUGE, but so sweet. We had also lost our dog Pandora about a year and a half earlier. Pandora was a mixed breed and full of spunk. She always looked out for me and was very protective. I had had her since I was nineteen and she weathered some really tough times with me. The unconditinal love of your dogs in inmeasureable. So after Buddy passed we were at the bottom of the bottom, no baby yet, no hopes of a baby and now both of our dogs were gone. It was a very difficult time. So I just wanted to take a moment to remember them, because they were our first babies together. And although we now have two new wonderful fur babies together and the hope of our human baby is now within our reach, we will never forget these two. They are still truly missed to this day.

Do you see the ticker...

4 months down!!! Okay just in case you didn't notice the ticker. We are now done with 4 months of waiting. This month was a little faster. And since July in pretty booked for us, I'm hoping that the next month goes even faster. Then it's on to Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Holidays. That should get us pretty close to our referral!!

It's a long distance call on my cell phone.....

So once we were on the waiting list in Taiwan, I began carrying my cell phone into the OR at work. Not really supposed to, but hey the Doctors do it. Besides, I don't want to miss that call. No on really calls my cell phone during the day, they usually just call the unit if they need me. So needless to say my cell phone just does not ring...it's just ready for the referral call. I've explained it to my managers and they know why I carry it. We just kinda overlook that right now. So I'm in the OR, doing my work and my CELL PHONE RINGS. Now I know it's waaaay toooo early, but I check the number to see who on earth would be calling my phone in the middle of the day. It's a long distance number!!!! OMG...IT'S A LONG DISTANCE NUMBER....
I don't know the area code for our agency...
BUT it's a long distance number...
My Stomach drops.....My Heart races....I feel the tears coming....my palms start sweating...
...for a split second the thought races through my head..
{I know it's early, too early in fact, but you never know...OMG...this is it}
"HELLO?"
"Hey is Robert there?"
"Robert, who's the @#$! is Robert, I'm sorry you have the wrong number!"
PURE DISAPPOINTMENT....MY stomach dropped again, but this wasn't the "good" drop it had just taken a moment before. I mean I know it's too early, but It WAS a long distance number. I just wanted to call this chick back and yell at her. Doesn't she know that my cell phone is reserved during weekday work hours for: #1 The referral call or #2 A real emergency. I wanted to explain to her that we are waiting on THE CALL. The most important call that we will ever receive. I wanted to tell her our entire life story, how we've tried for a very long time. That we are adopting and her wrong number call has just caused me much distress and disappointment. I wanted to tell her that she can't just go around dialing wrong numbers, the nerve of this girl. I wanted to ask her if she understood this. And please don't make this mistake again. Yes I know...a little on edge..but what can I say...

I know my thinking was a little over the top, but I seriously thought for just a moment that this was the call. Of course it wasn't, it was a wrong number....

But in case anyone is wondering...I'm ready...the cell phone is charged, it's in my pocket ready for that call. So the next time a long distance number comes across the caller id of my cell phone while I'm at work...my stomach will again drop, my heart will race, the tears will flow, my palms will sweat...and when I say "hello"
I'll hear...
"Ann..this is Bonnie.....from FHSA...."

Baseball anyone?

So a lot of people have been talking about retail therapy. You know going out and buying stuff, not entirely "needed", when you need a little bit of ummmm....therapy. Therapy for the waiting room that we are inevitably stuck in for many more months. So today Jon and I go to target because we need socks. Yes, this was the highlight of our weekend, but that's an entirely different story. I'm doing a little bit of scrapbook shopping so I have something to do with my time. But let me add that my retail therapy is always sizably less than Jon's. For about a month Jon has been looking at baseball gloves. I figured he was just fantasizing about when he gets his boy. Mind you we did not specify that we wanted a boy, but he figures he can either get a traditional baseball glove(if we get a boy) or the really cute purple and pink one(if we get a girl). I figured though that Jon was just fantasizing b/c in all reality he hasn't played baseball since like our first year of highschool. So I'm in the scrapbook section and here comes Jon all proud of himself with HIS new baseball glove and ball. HIS new glove, not one for a baby, but one for him. He has this goofy smile on his face and well who can say no. So we get home and he's all about this glove. He's throwing it up and basically playing ball with himself...I know..it's sad, but cute. He doesn't have anyone to play baseball with, but he has his new glove if anyones up for an impromptu game.
Then he decides that he's going to throw himself some grounders(in the house), he pounds the ball on the floor, **pop** he catches it. Throws another one, **wham**. Alright he's doing good...throws another one...***SLAM*** right into the collar bone. "Ummphff...ohhh" is all that I hear from the other room. He walks in to where I'm at with his head down...
"I'm done playing baseball for tonight....."
God I love him!!!

Waiting…

That’s all we know .
For years we waited for you to grow in my belly..
Patiently knowing that the seed would be planted and you would grow
….from our flesh and dreams, a child you would become.

But God had other plans for you
….and for us.
We had to wait…
You had to wait to grow..

We know this now...
and so we wait.

God chose another woman where you will grow for us
She will become your first mother
Her flesh will sustain you as you grow
Her heart will teach you of love
Before you are ever born

God told this woman, your first Mother that she too has to wait..
..wait for the right family to be there for you.

With a heavy heart she too will make the choice to wait
To wait to parent and wait for us…
To come together to be your forever family
Your Mommy and Daddy.

So Across continents…we wait
Across oceans…we pray
Across time…we know

You are waiting too..

The seed has been planted…
Our dreams, they will grow.

Her belly..
Our Heart.

We are all waiting child..
For you to become.

Please wait patiently our child
We are coming
We are waiting

Yes, we know..
You are waiting too….

-Mommy

Alllllright...I've been tagged....I'll play

Tag, and I'm IT! and then you're NEXT!

Okay, I have been tagged by Malou so here is MINE!!!

Seven Things

Seven things I'd like to do before I die:

1. Be a Mommy, and be good at it(obvious one)
2. Be a stay at home Mommy, and be good at it
3. Go back to Hawaii
4. Scuba the great reefs
5. Meet the Pope
6. Be able to run without my shins splitting, the back hurting, or my gastroc tearing
7. Sing in public---I really can sing...seriously!!

Seven things I can't do:

1. Keep my house clean like my Mother
2. higher level math, or math at the Walmart checkout-ask Jon I argued once with the lady at Walmart....about what I was owed....I was wrong!!
3. Maintain my weight...yuppers I'm a yo-yo'er
4. Run, without my shins splitting, my back hurting, or my gastroc tearing...really I've tried!
   
5. Go ONE FLIPPIN' day without checking all my blogs, yahoo groups, myspace, or emails
6. Live without a dog...or two..
7. Manage to get all the laundry washed, folded and put away in a week
   

Seven things that attracted me to my hubby:

1. Pure Chemistry
   
2. His big Heart!!
3. The fact that not having children was NOT an option
4. The importance of his family
5. That he's a Mommas boy
6. That he trusts me
7. That he loves me without condition
   

Seven books (or series of books) that I love

1. Marley and Me(get out the kleenex)
2. The Notebook(More kleenex please)
3. King of the Wind(my fav book as a kid)
4. The Horse Whisperer(Notice a theme)
5. Dean Koontz stuff
6. Anything by Nick. Sparks(I'm a sap)
   

Seven movies I'd watch over and over:

1. Dirty Dancing(I know all the dances, ask Jon, I've shown him)
2. Good Wil Hunting(How you like them apples)
   
3. Beaches(you are the wind beneath my wings..I can sing it too)
   
4. Brokedown Palace(If you haven't seen it..do so)
5. How to loose a Guy in 10 days(..ummm my Matthew's in it)
6. Salton Sea(It's NOT a drug movie...)
7. The Notebook
   

Seven people I'd like to tag:

1. I don't know 7
2. people that haven't
3. already been tagged
4. so, I guess
5. you're just
6. stuck
7. with lil' ole me
   

Have a good night all...

It's hopping out there..

"Out there" being the adoption world and in particular Taiwan. Everything seems to come in spurts. It'll be a while before anyone hears anything...no referrals, no travel, no calls. And just as everyone starts to feel despondante, someone gets a travel call. Then another person gets court approval, then two people get referrals. Then another and another and you can feel the exicitement building. You can feel the energy. I belong to several yahoo adoption groups, either specific to Taiwan, our agency, or Florida. Let me just say that these families are so wonderful and even though we haven't met, everyone is such a great support.
When you go through infertility, and for us it's been 4 years now, pregnancies and baby showers become so difficult. It's not that you aren't happy for other people. I mean they aren't getting pregnant to spite you. You aren't unhappy for those people either, you just become sad for yourself. You don't want to be sad when someone tells you that they are pregnant, but you just are. It's hard to explain if you haven't been through infertility, but you are. It's difficult then because you begin to feel guilty for not being as happy as you feel you should be. It's been like that for some time for us. I can't tell you how many times we cried together when we heard the news of someone else that was pregnant. But things changed the minute we decided to Adopt instead of try IVF. Then it was okay, because we weren't sad for ourselves everytime someone else got pregnant. You become excited again. I was thinking about this as all the referrals started pouring in. I find myself drawing energy from them and I'm not sad that it's them and not us. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I get so excited now when someone gets that call or I read all about their first meeting with their child. I check the boards many times a day to see whats happening. These Yahoo groups are great...and as you watch their stories unfold you get so much hope that one day your family will become complete. So as I read about landings in Taiwan, Gotcha Days, and referral news and see that it is indeed hopping out there right now, I draw on this and gather all the strength I'm gonna need for this wait.

Okay so this is how I feel sometimes. I found this on another adoption blog called Do they have salsa in China and they have t-shirts and stuff you can buy. I am so buying this shirt.

**Image/products are designed by and the copyright of M3**
Check out the Salsa in China merchandise right here

Officially 1/3 of the way to our baby...maybe

Okay today marks 3 months on the waiting list. Things are starting to move out there. I've heard of several referrals. Two couples from our agency rec'd referrals in the last week. YAY for them. That means we're two referrals closer. The wait for a referral was 6-12months, but recently the wait time has increased. UGGGHHH!! Now it's 9-12 months. So with that in mind we are 1/3 of the way to the minimum wait. Hopefully time will fly by and we will get our referral by the end of the year. We are confident that once our album is shown we will be chosen. We have to think positive eh? For every couple that receives a referral we are closer, so here' to hoping there are more referrals coming.

"Stop Lookin' at my hairy legs!!!!"

...that's what I said...
Jon's reply..."they weren't hairy when we were just friends"
Yah well we weren't married then, huh?

So as you can tell I have nothing to tell you about the adoption, we're waiting.. so I've resorted to giving you glimpses into our marriage.

This is not a high point!

This is a Good Day...

Jon hanging out with my Dad in the woods..
Me doing nothing at the house...
Going to the pool and meeting up with the nephews...
Watching Jon being a Great Uncle and seeing the smile on their faces as he threw them, over and over and over again in the pool...
Having the middle nephew fart as he was on Jon's shoulders in the pool(I so loved that one)....
Having my youngest nephew spend the night...
Watching the bats fly at dusk from my back porch with my nephew as the sun was setting...
Playing Stratego with my nephew and having him spank me at it...
Watching the two "boys" play PS2 and watching my nephew spank Jon and wreck his car...
Eating the sloppiest, cheesiest pizza EVER made....
Watching the nephew fall asleep on the couch and watching Jon carry him to bed airplane style while he continued to sleep....
Watching how excited the puppies were to realize that he was still here in the morning....
That was a good Day!!!!

Can I just Say.....

I love being "paper pregnant". For all of you that have been pregnant...I know there is stuff that I will miss, like feeling my baby kick and move. But I have to see the good in this and I have to find the humor. So for me being paper pregnant is awesome. I won't get morning sickness, I sure can do without that. I don't like to vomit. I won't get stretch marks, thank Goodness b/c I paid a lot of money for these tatoos. I won't get fat and you all know I love to eat, can you imagine? And the boobs(don't read this part DAD) ..they don't need to get any bigger!! And the giving birth thing...ooouch...that's gotta hurt, right? So overall, being "paper pregnant" seems to be working out for me. I get the glory. I get the baby. I glow.....what more could I ask for....this ROCKS!!!

Think about this...

You know it's weird how you come across things. I clicked on next blog I think and it brought me to this. This blog is from a man in the Phillipines and he has some powerful pictures. Scroll down past his latest entry. I felt an instant connection with these pictures because this(not this exact city) is where my Mother is from. Although I have only been there once and I only remember snipets from that trip. I have memories based on pictures and stories that my Mother told me. My parents raised me with a strong connection not only to my American heritage, but also to my Filipino heritage. When you think that you have it bad and your AC isn't working. Or the toilet is stopped up, think about how it is when you're NOT in the US or other well developed country. Think about how it could be.

Florida Home Studies and Adoption

Okay, so I just wanted to give a shout out to our Agency: Florida Home Studies and Adoption(FHSA), I have added a link for them if anyone wants to know more about them--->
I have to give them major kuddos, first for dealing with my totally neurotic self. Second for dealing my totally panic strickin' self.. We have said before that they are going to earn their money with us. So now that it's all done and over I can laugh about it but this is how it went a couple of weeks ago..
I was on my lunch break sitting at the front desk at work-
"Ann you have a phone call"
"this is Ann"
"hey it's me"
"What's up?"
"We got the letter from immigration"
"you don't sound good, it's not good is it?"
"No, blah, blah, blah, DENIED, blah blah blah" note: Jon didn't say denied, he said deficient...
but he's reading the letter to me and I hear... "DENIED, DENIED, blah, blah, more paperwork, blah, blah, by May 24,2006, DENIED..blah, blah, blah" another note: he still never said DENIED.
"blah, blah, blah"
..so there I was pacing at the front desk, tears streaming, trying to find a phone I could make a long distance phone call from...I find one, I'm by myself, and pure panic sets in....
I'm on the phone with the agency
"WE'VE BEEN DENIED!!!"
"What, I'm in total shock, we've never had anyone denied that had a favorable homestudy from us..never"
tears are now free flowing like a flippin waterfall, I'm sobbing, eyes bulging, chest heaving...not making any sense, can't get a real sentence out, "DENIED...I can't do this....why us..maybe we're not meant to be parents...DENIED...what are we going to do....DENIED.."
"Mrs. xxxxX? I'm so sorry, you must be very upset..I can only imagine, but please..what exactly did the letter say, do you have it with you?"
"DENIED!...it said DENIED!....I don't know what the letter says I DON'T HAVE IT WITH ME..."
"can you fax it to us please, so that we can see what it says.."
"Jon says it says denied, we've been denied...I can't fax it to you b/c I don't have it Jon has it...Well maybe he didn't say denied...he might have said deficient...yay maybe deficient."
"Okay, Ann, that's very different. That's not denied...I think we're okay...can you get Jon to fax it to us?"
...sob..sob...tears rolling...chest heaves...." but...we can't be denied....we had a favorable homestudy..." heave, heave....deep breath...
"okay...I'll call him"
"Ann I pretty sure we're okay if it just says deficient, they just want more info."
"ok"
So then I call Jon and he faxes it to them. By that night they were on the phone with our homestudy coordinator and she had started getting together what needed to be done. That night she emailed us telling us that she is working on it at that moment. Within days she had a "fluff" up of our homestudy with the added info they wanted, and by a week later they had the rest of it fed exed to immigration.
Phew...and you know the rest we were approved a week later. No problems.
So this is just a glimpse into the panic attack that I had. I think it's quite humerous now, b/c it's all okay. And Jon never said denied to me. I just lost it for a day or two there. But anyhow I just wanted to say that everyone at FHSA rocks, they took care of the situation with total grace, and calmness(which I needed) and made sure that everything was taken care of with the utmost of speed. SO Horray for FHSA, they are the bomb diggity!!

IMMIGRATION APPROVAL

Okay peoples I know we have't updated this bog, but that's b/c we were in limbo. We had a snag with immigration and were very scared that this adoption was't going to go through. We had to resubmit some stuff.. then pray that it would all work out. We were so busy todya getting ready for our annual Mother's Day outing at our house that we didn't even check the mail. So after grocery shopping Jon and I were both at the mailbox and there's this big envelope. I saw it was from immigration. My stomach dropped. It's only been a week since we resubmitted paperwork. Jon asked what it was. I told him and held it behind my back. We knew that this was what was going to make or break our dreams. I closed my eyes and opened the envelope. "NOTICE OF FAVORABLE DETERMINATION CONCERNING APPLICATION FOR ADVANCE PROCESSING OF ORPHAN PETITION". So here we were standing on the street hugging eachother and crying. It's okay. It's okay. We will get our child. so for those of you that don't know what this is. We hve to have advanced approval from the United States to bring an orphan ino the U.S. and without this we couldn't proceed with the adoption. So after a heart attack, two strokes, many tears, and onemajor panic attack...we are okay. "it has been determined that (we) are able to furnish proper care to an orphan or prphans..." YAY...phew!!!!!Oh and we have approval for two children...just in case.

live with intention

Jon says I don't have any good pictures of him on our blog. So here is a layout I did of us right before our first helicopter ride. He looks like a man's man here, right? Notice the little yellow thing around our waists. This was our parachute or something that was supposed to help if the helicopter went down. Do you see how little it was, I'm not too convinced it would've helped.

some scrapbooking Lo's

I really have nothing to post about, but I feel like I need to write something since I haven't posted in a while. Jen, got me back into scrapping when she helped me with the birthmother album. Boy, did she really get me back into things, she even gave me some stuff to get restarted. She's unleashed a fanatic. Since I have nothing to fill my days as I wait for our baby, I figured I would catch up on all our photos. Note: I'm still working on our honeymoon which was almost five years ago. So I have that to do, our actual wedding pictures, and a couple of vacations to scrap. That should keep me occupied until our little one gets here. I have to catch up b/c once the baby is here I'll have a slew of other pictures to scrap I'm sure. So here are a couple. I'm not very good yet, but I'll get there.

one month down..heh!

So I've waited until after midnight so I could officially say that we have made it through our first month of waiting. One month down...heh heh heh...it wasn't too bad...well maybe just a little...well a little worse than a little...kinda a little...did time slow that last month....no really...THAT WAS THE LOOOONGEST MONTH ...EVER!!!!

Night shift widow

Yes people I am a night shift widow. When I get home from work, I have to be stealth like so as not to wake the sleeping husband. Diligently working around the house...well not actually working, but that's what I tell him. It's more like hanging out on the computer or scrapping. But, then the magical hour approaches when I get to wake up the elusive sleeping prince. Quietly I approach him, but I must not do it too quickly or I risk a bear like reaction. Softly, almost whisper like.. "Honey? OHHHHH Honey....It's time to get up...time to go to work". If I have done my job correctly, I might get a sweet " alright, I'm up" If not done correctly the big bad bear rears his ugly head "What!?! it's not time yet! I heard you already!!" But most days this princess has done her job right, and gets to spend a magical hour with her prince. Then off to work he goes and I again becomes a night shift widow....

32 Reflections for 32 years...

32 YeARs!!! Happy Birthday to Me!!

1. I have earned my 32 years
2. I have learned to love me...faults and all
3. Everything happens as it is supposed to
4. I cannot control everything..although I try
5. I am often wrong(don't tell Jon)
6. I am more often right(had to put that)
7. I am totally in love with my husband
8. Marriage is hard
9. But marriage is soooo worth it
10. My family comes above all else
11. Sacrifice...for anything you truly want
12. I don't have patience..although I seek it
13. I am a true worrier
14. My heart is softer than I show others
15. I am truly shy although others don't see it
16. I used to be afraid of my own voice
17. I often speak before thinking
18. I honestly believe in my abilities in life
    
19. I fight for what I believe in
20. I truly believe in God and his hand in my life everyday
    
21. I love that I work with children everyday
22. I have made mistakes
    
23. I am very hard on me
24. I am learning to compromise
    
25. I am learning to slow down
26. I hate to shop
27. I love my dogs
28. I don't lie about my age...I embrace it
29. I thought I would have children by now
30. I know I'll be a great parent
31. The next year will change my life
32. In the next year I WILL become a MOMMY!!!