I'm so not going there...

I'm hearing rumors...
about the wait..
I can't even bring myself to write it.

So I'm not.
I'm just gonna hope...
...and pray

I'm going to choose not to think about it.
Not right now...
Not today.

Note to self: men's underwear---NOT comfortable!!!

So my trauma for the day and sure to put a smile on everyone's face. We so need to laugh during this journey so I will sacrifice myself!!

Lately I've been getting up very early, going to the gym at work, working out, then showering at the gym before going to work. In the wee morning hours I grab underwear, a bra and scrubs for the day. Okay, so that's what happened, went to the gym, worked out, showered then went to put on my underwear...only it's not my underwear...It's Jon's boxer brief underwear the same color grey as mine..Now I have a dilemma.. I can wear Jon's underwear or go "commando". At work when you're busy, sweating and moving a lot I need a good ole pair of cotton undies..so I HAVE to wear JON'S UNDERWEAR!!! ALL DAY!!

Done...go to work, tell my friends cuz I thinks it's slightly humorous...By 0815 my entire OR room knows that I am wearing Jon's underwear. By afternoon half the OR knows and by the end of the day the girls in the recovery room are asking to see that I really have JOn's underwear on. Then I have to explain how I got his underwear mixed up with mine and why I didn't notice. FUN..FUN...FUN... just in case you ladies are wondering, men's underpants...not so comfortable...all day I was fixing them, pulling them down, adjusting them. Ever wonder why men adjust themselves all day....IT'S THE UNDERWEAR!!!! They are not comfortable. I had one doc tell me it's because I didn't have the right equipment to "fill" out the underwear properly, Yeah thanks for that bit of knowledge.

So at 0515 tomorrow when I'm heading out the door, I will make sure that I have my underwear with me!!!

Best compliment EVER!!

I was in the lounge with some friends at work. They told me they were talking about me...great I thought!! We were talking about how I was worried about what I'm going to do with my schedule when we get our child. I'm worried about Jon who works at night and will take care of the baby during the day, until I get home from work.. I'm worried about him getting enough rest...I'm worried...and bottom line...I'm worried. My friend looks at me and smiles....What I ask...Then she gives me the best compliment ever...See Ann, she tells me...this child isn't even here yet and you're worried.....You're already a parent!!

Almost made me cry, it was so sweet, simple and the best compliment EVER!!

You've never been to Daytona?

...no I've never been to Daytona.

You've been to Daytona..

No I've never been to Daytona..

You're Sh*#!ing me..You've never been to Daytona...
(This is the conversation we had in the car on the way to St. Augustine for the day)

NO JON I've never been to Daytona. I wasn't allowed to traipse on down to Daytona, then I moved away when I was 19, remember, moved back when I was 26, and I've been with you since...and we haven't been to Daytona. I missed those formative partying days in close proximity to Daytona.

But you went to a race..

Not me.

**So to Daytona we went...in the middle of Biketoberfest**

It's like a nicer Jax beach area. Lots of bikes. The racetrack is cool, bigger then I expected. Of course I wasn't anticipating going to the beach, so I was hotter than can be in my denim, looking like a tourist walking down the beach with my purse!!

We sat on a bench laughing as some guy with a rented long board was in knee deep water, who could barely sit on the board, wobbling to and fro as his girlfriend tried to get a picture of him in the waves. Trust me it was hilarious. Then he tried to swim out further with his board sideways, as the waves are kicking his butt, throwing the board back at him, on top of him, to the side of him....only to come back on shore beat up...but he got his picture. It was too funny. But then again I had my trusty purse!!

We had a great time, of course all the while talking about how neat it's going to be to take our child to all these places. The dominate subject in most of our conversations. So anyways my Daytona cherry is popped!!!

Sometimes you just hafta smile!!!

He told me he took a "portrait" of himself...
Great I thought...I don't have a lot of pictures of him...
This is what I got....
Every time I look at it I smile!!
He can always make me smile!!

SEVEN months done...

So today is seven months on the waiting list. I guess it's going faster. Some days are faster than others. I figured we would have had our referral by now, but oh well...that's life. It seems that you don't really escape the two week wait thing. I still live my life in two week increments. Two weeks til we are 7 1/2 months, then two more weeks til we are 8 months and so on and so on. We are at least on the downslide to our referral. We'll get there, hopefully not too long after the holidays.

Don't tell me...

1. that I want a baby so badly that it kills me because..
   yes I do and a statement like that hurts.
2. Don't tell me that we are crazy for wanting a baby so badly because..
   we are NOT crazy, you just don't appreciate the children you have!!
3. Don't tell me that it's not that you don't appreciate your children, but that you just
   appreciate your free time more because...
   quite frankly I think that's sad.... for your children.
4. Don't tell me to appreciate our free time while we have it because...
   we've had our free time and at this point in our lives we want to share our time with a
   child!!!! I'm sorry that you don't see it that way.
5. Don't tell me that you don't understand why we are in such a hurry to have children because..
   if 4 years of trying to have a baby is in a hurry...well bite me!!
6. Don't tell me that we'll get pregnant after we adopt because...
   although it would be nice, it takes away from our adoption NOW, as if getting
   pregnant would be somehow nicer, better than adopting now.
7. Don't tell me that we can have one of your children..
   because quite frankly We would probably do a better job of raising them and if you
   tempt me long enough, I will. WE have an approved homestudy, ya know.
   
   Sometimes people just don't get it. Why not try....
   "I'm excited for you two...It must be hard, you've been through a lot...It's going to be amazing, I can't wait for you two to be parents....I'm here for you....You're going to love it...."
   
   Okay I'm done with my Sunday rant...it's out, but just a warning.....one day one of these statements is going to make me snap...And I'm so NOT going to be nice about it!!
   

Where is this baby they speak of.....

I'm going to search HIGH and LOW for this Kid...

.....Nope not here......maybe he's under here.....


.....Darn....he's not here either...I held my breath as long as I could, but I couldn't see him.....Where is this baby they keep telling me about?

Baby Chinese: lesson #1

Yes our baby is coming from Taiwan, but the most used language is not Taiwanese. Although there are different dialects used, the official language is Mandarin Chinese. I have tried to learn Chinese...Yeah it's not working, it's a very difficult language. But we do have a list of "baby Chinese" phrases. So the first phrase Jon and I have learned is "I love you"

I love you----the Chinese phrase is "wo ai ni".
It is pronounced "wah eye knee"
So say it with me....wah eye knee.
wah eye knee.
You have completed your first lesson in baby Chinese. Thank you for participating!! :0)

Do You Know Me...

My newest scrapbook page...on the side on the blue cut outs is something I wrote:

Do you know me?
I know you...

I don't know what you look like..
I don't know your name..
I don't know how it feels to hold you,
But I know you.

I know my heart beats for you.
I know my soul yearns for you.
I know my body feels you growing,
But do you know me?

When it is quiet..
Do you feel my heart beat?
When the wind is still...
Do you hear me cry for you?
When you are alone.....
Do you feel my arms around you?
When you sleep..
Do you know I am praying for you?

Do you know me?
I know you.

When you first feel me wrap my arms around you
I wonder....
Will you know me?
I know you.

hmmmmm.......hmmmmmmm....

Hear that...That's the sound of my Air Conditioner working. Jon actually fixed the AC by himself. I'm so proud of him and it only cost us $49.39. It took a while for our house to cool down, but it made for a much nicer nights sleep. Hope your weekends were great!!!


****Kudos to my Dad who troubleshot the AC over the phone!!!****

I NEED my AIR CONDITIONING!!!!!

Quick whinny post. Yes we are spoiled. Our AC broke and it's HOT!!!! It's Florida by gosh. Yeah it's easy to tell everyone else that it'll be okay when their AC stops working. Kinda like I did to my Dad Thursday when his AC broke(sorry!!) But it's a DIFFERENT story when my AC stops working, ya know. I mean, seriously, really IT'S HOT!!! And to top things off we spent all our extra money doing some much needed maintenance to my car. So now we're sans money and need a repair. We do have money in the bank for the adoption....but that money is not touchable. So VISA to the rescue. VISA saves lives, VISA cures all. Hello VISA!!!

Name game, wanna play?

So forever Jon and I have had names picked out. Jonathan Christopher if it's a boy and Kierstin Nicole if it's a girl. I have NO leeway on the boys name. He WILL be named after his Daddy I am told. At least it's a nice name. So that leaves me with some give and take on a girls name. I love the name Kierstin, but every time I tell people the name we have chosen, no one really likes it. They may say "oh, that's nice", but their tone tells me differently. Others have told me flat out they don't like it. Someone said it might be hard to pronounce. But we tested that. If we really like a name we ask my Mom to pronounce it. She has an accent and if she can say it, that's always a good sign. And she can pronounce it, so we thought we were in the good. I know, she would be our child and we can name her whatever we want, but I don't want her to have a "weird" name. I work in Peds and I see a lot of weird names. I swear some people just throw letters together and oops there's a name.


So what do you all think of Kierstin...too off? Any suggestions, the first name has to go with Nicole.

I don't wanna go back to work!!!!!

So today is the last day of our vacation. Jon and I always without a doubt take our wedding anniversary week off. For the first three years we actually went somewhere. For the last two we have nixed vacation in favor of saving money. Last year it was to save for IVF which turned into adoption and this year of course it is to finish saving for the final expenses of our adoption. We're almost there and 0nly have 3-4 thousand more to save. BUT, I hate not taking a real vacation. We both work very hard, we don't miss work and deserve to actually "go" somewhere. But alas it is for a good cause and we'll be taking a vacation next year to top all others and we'll be bringing home a baby on that one!!!

I still hate going back to work though. It puts me in a bad mood. I'm usually a little grumpy on my first day back. I hate mornings to begin with and getting up at 5am really just ices the cake. I wish we could just fast forward to Gotcha DAY!!!!

Our last Anniversary...

Without a child. 5 years and 1 day ago we exchanged vows in a beautiful gazebo in Hawaii. We had a harpist playing in the background as we exchanged vows and promised our lives to each other. We had and still do have so many dreams for ourselves. I so tried to post this yesterday, but blogger was being a pain. I can't believe that it has already been 5 years. We've lasted longer than many we know, and longer than I'm sure many predicted. HA!! The last 4 years have been difficult as we've tried to start a family. Sometimes we've even talked about how having a family has dominated our marriage. We finally feel that weight off our shoulders as we get deeper and deeper into this adoption. We finally feel that we are reaching our "lasts". So last night we raised a glass to our last Anniversary without a child. I look forward to last birthdays, last Thanksgiving, last Christmas, last New years, last Valentine's day. Heres to lasts...

It's weird, this time for us

This is such a weird time for us. On September 10th, 2001, Jon and I boarded a plane for Maui-for our wedding. We flew out of Florida, through LAX, and onto Maui for our long awaited destination wedding planned for September 12th. We were very lucky, we safely arrived late September 10th, called my parents who were in Ohio visiting family, checked into our hotel, wandered around Maui, then went to bed, ready for the most important day, full of excitement and trepitation as most "almost" married couples are. Our families stayed behind and we were meeting two of our friends already there. We had an appointment September 11th, to get our marriage license. All was well. I woke up early September 11th. Jon was still sleeping. I walked out on our balcony with the beach on one side and the mountains on the other. I called my friend back home to brag about our view..."you don't know what's going on in the world, do you"...."what do you mean in the world"..."turn on your TV!!" I think she told me more, but that's all I remember. About this time Jon woke up.."Turn on the TV..terrorists flew into a building in New York!" We had to call our friends that were also in Maui and tell them what was going on, they didn't know yet. I remember we were on the phone a lot making sure family knew we were okay. We live near military bases and there were a lot of rumors floating around. We had to be sure that things were taken care of, since we were so far away. We spent many hours that day on the phone, watching TV, reading about what had happened. You see 9/11 had already happened by the time we woke up. Thankfully we didn't see the tragedy live, we didn't see the horror. We were scared, as everyone was....we were sad! But we were also in Hawaii, the trip of a lifetime, on the eve of our wedding. As awful as it sounds, we had to turn off the T.V. and enjoy our time there. That's why this time is so weird for us. On September 11th, we walked past the crowds gathered around T.V. screens, held eachother and walked into the office to get our marriage license. It was always in the back of our minds, and when we would go back to our hotel I would turn the tube on to see what was going on. Jon would tell me to turn it off. On September 12th we indeed did get married. I walked down the lobby, in my wedding dress to meet the man that became my husband. But each year as Jon and I get ready to celebrate our Marriage, we are torn. It's weird this time for us, we remember the trajedy in such a different light. We were so far from home, yet so connected to all those that lost their lives. We are so saddened, yet joyous at the same time. We were very lucky, in so many ways. Each year as the tributes are placed we look at eachother and are thankful that we were safe that day. Thankful like so many others that we didn't leave the next day. But we always remember the eve of our wedding....all those that lost their lives..it changed our world.

Six months and waiting...

Wow, it's been six months that we have been on the waiting list. I must admit that it is starting to go a little faster now. I'm done with the downslide of fear and am feeling much better. If you're wondering, the symbol to your left is the Chinese symbol for six. When we started the adoption the wait was six to twelve months for a referral so this month is a bittersweet accomplishment. Today would have been the minimum wait time, but alas things are always changing in the adoption world. But, we can't focus on that right now. Things change, another hill to climb. Jon and I are fortunate that we have such a strong marriage. No hill is too high, no problem too big, and no obstacle insurmountable. Together we will forge through the next several months. Now the minimum wait is 9 months so that takes us to December. We'll get there. The average is looking like 12 months, but we'll face that next year. Next year, wow, that's not too far off. There have been two families with our adoption agency that have received their referrals. I'm so excited for them. They've waited a long time. But, for us that means two couples off that waiting list. Two families closer to our child. Check them out here and here. When I was checking one families blog I was squealing in excitement for them, my sil was sitting next to me thinking that WE had rec'd our referral. But that's okay. We're six months down and not too long to go...We can feel it!!

Welcome to my roller coaster....

Ever seem to have one of those days when you have that doom and gloom feeling in your gut? Well welcome to that day for me. I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something bad is going to happen. I know everyone had told me that adoption is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Just the other day I was saying that I was feeling oddly good about the adoption. Today is not that day. I'm scared!! Scared that after we invest all that we have, the judge is going to simply say "NO!" Then we will be back to square one and out a lot of money. It's not that we haven't faced this fear in the beginning. But today it's strong. After all the everything you have to go through just to get on the waiting list and get that famous immigration clearance. You start to sit back and cruise, but then that little devil plays with the back of your mind telling you it's not going to happen and pushes you over the edge of doubt, barreling you at warp speed to the bottom without a safety harness. I keep trying to tell myself that it's all going to be fine. Now for those that know me personally...no snide remarks...I can be a tad pessimistic...I said no snide remarks!! But I have tried to stay very positive through this whole process. You kinda have to be or you'll go insane. But it's got to be normal to ride up and down, emotionally, like an old wooden coaster, right? Please tell me that I'm not loosing it!!!

Conversation to continue next month....

We're driving in the car when Jon says to me:
"we've been on the waiting list more than seven months"
???????
"huh?"
"yah, seven months down"

Now let me just let you in on a little secret. Jon has a tendency to add time to things when he tells stories. Like we've been together 9 years when in fact we've been together 7 years. Nothing big, just a tad exaggerated.

So I tell him "no sweetie, we haven't even been on the waiting list 6 months yet. But we're close, next week will be six months for us"

"no it's been 7 months"
"no, honey we were on the waiting list March 9th and now it's September"

silence

"oh, okay, so we'll continue this conversation next month..."

I hate computers!!!!!

So our home computer is still in the shop. I think we're getting a new hard drive. Whatever...just make the flippin thing work. So now I've resorted to using our totally ancient laptop that was given to us about a billion years ago. It's sloooow, even with dsl high speed. Work with me please!! I never wanted high speed. I never really got onto the computer much before it, but now it's driving me absolutely insane to not have the thing. So to everyone out there that I follow. I am reading your journeys. Really I am. It just takes way too long to post a comment right now.