It's coming....

...my birthday that is. I won't go there, where I said I would be a Momma in the next year. I said it, I can't take it back. But that was ohh so long ago. It was the beginning of our journey. I was so sure that the past year would be "the" year that I would become a parent. But alas a year has almost come and gone. A year of lessons learned, of hope lost, and found again. Weird how this journey unfolds. But as I am on the cusp of yet another birthday without a child, I am renewed....again. Our baby is a cookin'. And he's almost done. So as we slide into my birthday weekend, I know now....it's almost here. See ya on the flip side. Maybe I'll have a picture..

All aboard.....next stop....



.......................33!!!

Still gonna wait...

Most of you know that I am online with many a yahoo adoption group. They are a great group of families that know all too well what international adoption is all about. There's one family that is on the same time line that Jon and I are on. They got onto the waiting list just weeks after we did. They are actually living in Taiwan. So they have asked Cathwel(our orphanage) about their status and were told to expect another 4-5 month wait. Cool beans. I can wait another 4 or 5 months. I know that it's only 1-2 months less then what we were expecting. But this info came from the horses mouth, so to speak. And that's 1-2 months less. I can live with that. So here's to being hopeful.

And on another note...Jon and I have finally deposited the last of the adoption money into a secret, don't know the account #, have limited access to bank account. Now we can breath a little easier and can spend some money on much needed improvements to our home. The tile guy is coming in two weeks!!! YAY!! Now I know we'll have to redo ALL our documents, but that money should be easier to come by then the huge amount we had to save for the actual adoption...now if we just had a crib?

Why do I ask?

I don't know why I feel compelled to ask our agency as if I didn't know the answer. But I told myself that I would ask at 12 months. We knew that the wait was going to be longer, but I had to ask. Why Ann, why do you feel the need to ask? So I asked our agency what a realistic expectation would be for our wait now. Yes in some small place in my heart I was hoping they would tell me "any day now". But nope...We were told 18 months is the average now. She also went on to tell me that some families are getting the referral sooner, and some later, but the average is 18 months. She must have known that I'm not good with the numbers thing. Yes, I know what "average" means. So again they have tacked on a couple of months. I just hope the wait doesn't keep getting longer. The way it is now, if we wait the 18 months we may not have our child by the end of this year. And if we wait longer, we definately won't have our child by the end of the year. I'm just saying this now...if we don't have a referral by Christmas I'm NOT putting up a tree!! Yes I know my faith is being tested...I know my patience is being tested. As I sit here that song, keeps popping into my head, you know which one..."I get knocked down, but I get up again..."

Student Loans and a Good Dream

--First off, student loans...check check. Finally after 11 years my student loans are gone!! Yipee. I swear I didn't think I would ever get those paid off. One less bill every month means more money in the bank to spend...err save.

--Now the good dream. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I want to document it, just in case I need a reference when we finally get our referral. Most of you know we have not specified gender on our request. We were told by our agency that that means we'll probably get a boy, but you never know. After having horrible dreams about my inabilities as a parent, I was very refreshed by this one. And after reading how women before pregnancies or their referrals had dreams about their children...I thought more about this dream....

--So for documentations sake.....I was holding a baby girl(!!!!) and Jon was next to me. This child was ours and for some reason I knew she was ours. She was fully Asian(not like me) and I just "knew" this. She was our daughter adopted from Taiwan. Her name was Gracie. And I was a little jealous because her first words were "dada". But then as I was holding her, she looked up at me and said "Mommy, I love you". I remember being very overwhelmed by this and felt like I was crying in my dream. Oh and she was a super genius because I felt like she was very young and she was talking to me!!! So there it is...we'll see when that referral rolls in.

NO ONE QUITS

When you work under my hubby, you just don't quit.

I am so proud of him. He was just recognized as the NFL retention leader and the SE region retention leader at work for their "No one Quits" competition. Now I'm not quite sure he knew he was competing, but whatever he did, it worked. No one quit under his supervision and apparently that's a big deal. They recognized him at their weekly supervisor meeting, had a lot of the big wigs there, presented him with two plaques, gave him some gift cards so he could get more clothes for work AND a PLAYSTATION 3. Now for those that aren't into gaming, that's a big deal. This is something he's wanted for a long time. I even thought about getting it for him for Christmas. But it's something like $600. And well, there are better things we could have spent that money on so he obviously didn't get one. He would eye one everytime we went to the store. But poor baby, he just wasn't getting one. Then the other night he called me from work...he has NEVER called me from work. I answered the phone "what's wrong"...then he tells me he won a PLAYSTATION 3. LUCKY DOG. He just hooked it up today and well needless to say he didn't get much sleep. It's like Christmas to him right now. It's like he won the lottery. Now seriously...I know it's a video game system. But he's a guy and this is so major. Maybe it's a sign that our luck is a changing!!

You all knew it was coming. Our 12 month waiting anniversary. We never believed that we would go to 12 months. When we started only one family had gone this far and it was a larger family. No other families in our situation had to wait this long. But we knew it was coming. And even though sometimes it seems like I'm crazy-positive-then not so positive, it's just difficult. One day we're okay with the wait. Then you get this sick to your stomach feeling another day and it's hard to let go. You start to worry and wonder. You try not to let it get to you, but it does. You try to remain positive, but can't. Then the next day you're okay. Sometime I feel kinda manic. But I know I'm not. Twelve months....what can I say about twelve months. We are on the downslide now. And even though we probably have many many more months, each month gone is one month closer to our child. The agency has said that the wait is 12-14 months. I truly feel like they will revamp this statement soon. I think it will be more like 16-20. It sucks, but it is reality. And when people ask us how we can wait this long. My response is always, "what choice do we have?" We can choose to wallow day after day, feeling sorry for ourselves. Or we can "cowboy up" and move on. We can revel in the fact that we are closer to our child. We deal. That's who we are. We are not the constant wallowers. We will not let it drag us down, because we are so much more than a wait right now. We are going to have our family. That's the fact. And if we have to wait longer. Well...we will. Because life, despite it trying to break us ,will not. WE ARE STRONGER THAN THIS WAIT!!! So raise a glass with us tonight my friends. Because we EFFIN made it to 12 months!!!

Can you hear the silence?

I get a blah/vent post folks so bear with me.

We did a role call on my agency Internet group. There is one family @ 18 months, two families @ 16 months, two families @ 14 1/2 months, then us. And yes there are many families after us. But we're now approaching 12 months(you'll get that more positive post on Friday). But since it's not Friday I feel the need to wallow in my own miserable FOREVER waiting room. About two months ago SR. Rosa put out a memo to the agencies about the increasing wait. They are fully aware that this is taking FOREVER and their intentions are not to have the families "suffer" through a long wait. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Yes, they are trying to remedy the situation. But bottom line, there is a backlog(sound familiar, China families) and it's going to take a bit for the wait to get back down.

So since we should already have our referral now, and we Don't. And since it's going to be a while before we do. We are stuck in this miserable waiting room. Imagine this, because this is how it feels.....

The room is bear, nothing on the walls, stark and cold. There is no clock because they don't want you to know how long you've been waiting. There is a crusty old woman sitting at the front desk, talking on the phone about her terrible life. She is preoccupied and oblivious to the many many families in the waiting room. The magazines are all old, because they've been there a long time. And we've already read them a million times as we've waited. We are left to stare at the bleak walls. We all know each other because we've been in this room for a very long time. We've already shared our stories. We've asked all the pleasantries a million times. We are at the point of no conversation. So it is silent. Every once in a while, someone asks again...."how long have you been waiting" Everyone sullenly answers. Then again it is silent. New families join the room. They are so full of joy and anticipation. They pick up a magazine for the first time. We sit in silence. You can tell which families have been there a long time. Their butts are numb. They can't feel their legs. They are hungry for news. They are tired. Tired of waiting. Once in a while that old hairy lady looks up and searches for a certain family and before the families name is announced everyone in the room is alert, anxious, giddy and full of hope that it is their turn. Then that family gets to leave the waiting room. We are left again in silence. But for some odd reason the silence isn't always desperate. Because behind the silence, behind the weary eyes are visions of babies or children, Gotcha days, and tears of joy. So once again we pick up a magazine and read a story we've read before. Because one day that old lady...she'll be calling out our name in the silence!!!

Creating New Friendships

Yesterday, we were able to spend more time with Lucia, Adam and the Kids. It was so much fun as we hung out at their house and had lunch. It was so comfortable hanging out with them. They have two children, one homegrown and one adopted from Taiwan. Poor Jon though, Noah wanted him to climb onto the playset, but it was a little too wobbly for him. I think he had flashbacks and decided it wasn't a good idea for him to be climbing anything anymore...heehee!! It seemed like the guys got along well. You always worry about that when you hang out with other couples. But it was cool. It was also nice for Jon to be able to actually see a child that was adopted from the same orphanage that our child will be coming from. Kinda showed him that it really does happen. And Camille is such a cutie. It was so cute to see Jon playing on the floor with Noah. They had these really neat magnetic sorta building blocks. Jon was still talking about them when we left. He's such a kid it's great. I guess we're going to have to get some. Anyhow, we had a wonderful weekend and look forward to spending more time with them.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

Happy New Years Everyone. This is it. This is the year that many of our children will be born. This is also the year that many of our children will find their way home. What an exciting day!! This marks the official New Year!!! I have visions of little ones in traditional chinese attire attending their very first Chinses New Year celebration(I can't wait to buy the outfit). They're surrounded by so many people who shared the same plight as them, bonded by this thing called adoption. For those of you that already have your children home, I hope you had a wonderful celebration. For those of us that are still waiting, no worries..... our turn is coming!!!

TT #2

In honor of Valentines day....Thirteen perfect love moments.. Sitting on the couch watching a movie with hubby Watching the dogs play at the dog park hanging out with neices and nephews at the pool Dinner with parents sitting around in perfectly okay silence jumping out of the dark and scaring hubby laughing hysterically b/c he jumped.....again!!! fighting....then making up crying on his shoulder hugging my friends being on the other end of a phone, with only silence..because they needed you little wet furry noses in the morning the whisper of "I love you" in the wee wee hours, when he gets home from work Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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We made it to 11 months. I feel the excitement building. It won't be long before we can say any month now. Then it'll be any week now. Then at last it'll be, any day now. Bring it on. It's coming. I can feel it!!!

Thursday 13, #1

This is my very first 13 post. Wasn't sure where to start....So let's see...

Since this blog is mostly about our adoption journey I'll start with 13 things about the infertility that brought us to adoption

1. We are part of a very select group of people in the world that suffers from infertility, 10 percent of the population has some form of infertility, primary or secondary. It seems like a lot more when you are a part of this group.
2. We both "have" issues that contribute to our infertility.
3. There was a time when we would cry more often then we would smile.
4. We now smile more often then we cry.
5. Infertility has given us many gifts...one is strength.
6. Another is a ROCK SOLID marriage.
7. I think we will be better parents having dealt with infertility
8. Infertility is all encompassing. It has ruled our lives in some way or another for 4 plus years.
9. There was a time when I didn't think we'd make it past that point.
10. I know better now...
11. I know more about my body then I ever wanted to know b/c of infertility. Trust me...I don't need any monitors anymore. I can tell you on any given day where I am in my cycle and whatsa happening down there.
12. I never knew love more then the day my hubby found me locked up in the bathroom, curled into a ball, and crying...he scooped me up and told me "we'll get through this together."
13. Infertility has led us joyfully and peacefully to adoption and it is here that we will learn more of love as we scoop up our child and say "we'll get through this together"
    
    
    Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
    1. Susan 2. Jessica 3. Pen
    4. Amy 5. Crystal 6.Artemis
    7.Jill
    

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

In the house...almost!!

My mothers superstitions have totally rubbed off on us. She has always told me not to bring anything into the house relating to baby until I am pregnant. It's bad luck she tells me. Who am I to argue. So this is always how it's been. We don't need any bad luck. When Jon and I were "trying" we never brought anything in to the house, no bottles, no nipples, not one baby bootie. My sister has a box full of clothes from my nephews for us, it's sitting in my parents attic. In hindsight I am grateful that we never brought anything into the house. It would have been torture to sit and look at baby stuff month after month of NOT conceiving. There were points in our "trying" when we were so down, in such agony that I swear I probably would've burned anything baby in some sick ritual.

Jon and I decided that we wouldn't bring anything into the house til we had a referral. Yesterday my mother in law called me to tell me that Jon's sister had some toys she's saved for us and that she just didn't have the room anymore, so could we please at least take them and store them in my parents attic. She knows how I feel about bringing anything baby into the house, so she wanted to gingerly pass it by me, since we were helping Jon's sister move today.

**Progress for me**..I reluctantly told Jon we didn't have to take the toys to my parents, we could..gasp...bring them into the house.

Jon put them into his car.
"uh uh...I'm not going to be the one to bring us bad luck"

So for now the toys are sitting in his car. Maybe tomorrow we'll bring them into the garage...that's not really the house, right?

I'm in Florida right?

This is how I feel.

My blood has totally thinned.


I can't hang anymore.

I'm soooooooooooo cold...

I can't seem to get warm.

I'm pitiful I know. But I guess I am a true Floridian again. After being in VA for 7 years I was okay when the temp dropped, acutally liked it. I would mock with true superiority those with mittens and a...gasp... a coat. Who needs a coat? It's beautiful...I would say.

Not anymore. I can't find my mittens or my scarf. I know I have bloggy friends up North where it's really cold and they have snow on the ground. And I know that this will only last a few weeks, but I just can't seem to get warm. I'm blasting the heat like there's a blizzard outside. If I were me a few years ago I'd make fun of me. I know it's really not that cold, but I'm ready for some heat!!!

New Banner

This has nothing to do with the adoption. But, I am just silly excited about our new banner. I have been trying like crazy to learn photoshop and I've finally figured out enough to mess with the banner. I love the way it came out. The building in the background is a building from Taiwan and then there's one of our wedding pics and a clock, of course because we are eternally waiting. Trust me guys this took me a very long time to figure out. So I just hafta toot my horn. Toot!! Toot!!!

This little piggy came home!!!

I was a little curious of what the attributes of our child are supposed to be based on Chinese folklore. I know it's not science, but it's fun to read about. Come on who doesn't look at that little paper place mat at EVERY single Chinese restaurant. It's the first thing you do when you sit down. You search and search for the year that you were born, then revel in the fact that you are a leader, or a loyal spouse. Then tease your dinner mate for being a moron. For example I am a tiger. Need I say more. Jon is an ox. Explains so much about us, don't you think?

I was rejoicing in the fact that our child was going to be born in the year of the dog....honest..loyal..dedicated......come on folks we're dog people. So it was perfect. What better child for our family then one based on a DOG!! He would be THE perfect fit. So when our referral didn't come, I had to look to see what the Chinese culture says is the animal represented in the new year to come...Imagine my horror when I learned that it was the year of the PIG. I thought to myself , that couldn't be good. Now really...the pig...all sorts of negativity swirled through my brain. And since so many of us will be getting our children this year, or our children will be born this year(even though we may not be home with them) I thought I'd school us on some attributes we can look forward to. Here's some of what I learned:

1. In China, the Pig ( 亥 ) (a more correct form would be the Boar) is associated with fertility and virility. To bear children in the year of the pig is considered very fortunate, for they will be happy and honest.(yippeeeee!!) (And yes we will be "bearing" our children....through countless hours, months of waiting, 20plus hours of international flight, piles of paperwork!!)
2. Contrary to its rather negative connotation the Pig of Chinese Astrology can be the most generous and honorable Signs of the Zodiac.
3. Pigs are nice to a fault and possess impeccable manners and taste. They believe in the best qualities of mankind.
4. Pigs also care a great deal about friends and family and work hard to keep everyone in their life happy. Helping others is a true pleasure for the Pig, who feels best when everyone else is smiling.
5. A Pig with no one around to appreciate its giving nature is a sad sight.
6. Pigs make great companions in part because of their refusal to see the more negative or base qualities in a partner
7. Pigs are highly intelligent creatures.
8. Pigs tend to make wonderful life partners due to their hearts of gold and their love of family..

All sounds good to me!!! Let's bring our piggy home!!

I can't hear you!!!

I'm not listening.....I don't hear you.....I don't want to hear it!!! You can't make me hear it!!

NANANANANANANA!!! I can't hear you!!!

Okay so if you read the last post, on our agency website they changed the referral wait time to reflect the current wait..12-14 months. Okay, so I dealt with that. No biggie...remember?

Well today we rec'd our newsletter from our agency and it said...


"Taiwan: Although we have had several families come home with their children from Taiwan since the last update, the length of referral time continues to increase. The number of applications increased while the number of children available for adoption did not grow at the same speed. Cathwel is well aware of how long some families have been waiting (up to 16 months) and have tried to remedy the situation."

Okay so quick question as I may be missing something. People help me out here...I may not be to smart these days(note sarcasm) How can the average wait for a referral be 12-14 months if some families have been waiting up to 16 months. Numbers have never been a strong point for me, so maybe I'm not getting it? How does that make sense?!!!? And I wonder how they're going to remedy this? Anyways I will embrace my new positive mantra and say that the 16 months is the exception. Yes, sometimes I live in a fantasy world. But cut me some slack. I need some fantasy to get through the day, okay!!

It be official

It's official, we still have to wait. Our agency has now stated that the wait for a healthy infant is 12-14 months. Didn't get upset about this although I had to tell Jon. He was like:"don't get upset, we already knew this".

me: "I know, but now it's official, they put it on the website"

jon: "But we knew this, so it's no big deal"

--end of conversation--

He's right, no big deal. We knew it was coming. I usually see things on the boards right before our agency makes the statement. So with that in mind we should-and I say should loosely-receive word of our child between March and May. Now we usually have Mother's day at our home every year. So let's hope that on this Mother's day I can proudly display a picture of our child.

I GOT DOUBLE D'S....

DOUBLE DIGITS BABY!!!! Now see...... I knew where I was going with that title, What were you thinking? We made it to the double digits. What's cool about being at ten months waiting and into the double digits is that we CANNOT go into triple digits(now refrain from any sarcastic remarks!!! It's hard, I know!!)

This means that we are at least halfway to having our baby home. Even if it takes 16 months for a referral and 4 months for court we are halfway there right NOW, TODAY. And tomorrow we'll be more than halfway. How cool is that?

So in honor of our double digits, 10 months, and in synch with my wanting to be more positive..

MY TOP TEN REASONS WHY THIS WAIT WON'T GET ME DOWN....

10: Because we are halfway there and they can't take that away from us.

9: We are at 10 months and I have not been committed

8: We have more time to spend...errr...save more money.

7: Our marriage is stronger having gone through all this.

6: I have met some wonderful families and friends through this journey.

5: I learned to maneuver my way through cyber space...and trust me this took time.

4: We have polished our interviewing skills.

3: We've almost learned the meaning of patience.

2: Our house is cleaner due to homestudies....and homestudy updates.

And the #1 reason why this wait won't get me down.....(drumroll please....)

***OUR CHILD IS WAITING FOR US****

1 year ago today...

See I knew that there was something that I wanted to write about. But for the life of me I couldn't figure it out. The large print on the calendar should've clued me it. I can be so not with it sometimes...like when I was adding $5, and $5 to $24....I had to think about it...Duh!! I even asked the lady if I was adding it right....ummmm... ADD $10. See what all this adoption stuff does to your brain. Oh wait...I digress...today...1 year ago..we started our adoption. I'm so giddy about this. I remember how nervous and excited we were about it. We were so careful about filling out the application. We knew what a big step this was. If many of you don't know, Jon and I struggled with infertility for a very long time. Last year it was 3 1/2 years of TTC(trying to conceive). We actually were in the process of saving for IVF. We were pretty close to having all the money for ONE shot at it. I just felt that it wasn't the right choice for us at the time. So we jumped back onto the adoption discussion. So much stress was involved with TTC, so much pressure, so many tears. And when we filled out the application all that pressure, all that stress was lifted graciously from our shoulders. Now I'm not saying that there isn't a whole party full of stress now, but it's different. When we filled out that application, said a prayer, sealed it and mailed it, we were able to breath. We were at peace. It had been a long time since we were able to breath and look at eachother in a whole new light. There were no more schedules, no more sex only on this day, or not on this day. No more sitting on my head afterwards, no thermometers, no more peeing on a stick, no more calendars, no more monitors, no more doctors appointments, and no more 2 week wait. Goodbye to all that happened the minute we sealed that envelope. Last year at this time, we became again just a married couple. It was so refreshing. Then 4 days later we had our first homestudy visit. Talk about fast. But last year on this date we were very excited and very hopeful. Today I celebrate that!!!