I've really been trying to talk with Claire about adoption, although she doesn't grasp it at all. I just don't want her to have never heard the word. I was looking through her baby book with her and talking with her about it. In the back of her baby book is an envelope that closes. I have her birthfamily pictures in there that way when she is older she can choose what to share. But, we were looking through the pictures together and there is a picture of her birthmother holding her. Claire looked at it and said "mommy"......now she often will see women and say mommy or men and say daddy, but that was like a stab through the heart. I know it shouldn't have been because no matter how I feel or how I want to clarify or label the relationship, it is her birthmother. But I wasn't sure what to feel. One one hand I know I shouldn't be hurt by that and I should want to be open and all..but on the other hand I'll be honest I don't want her to be calling her Mommy. I just don't. I know it's not politically correct and I know that I should feel other wise, but is it wrong?
4 comments:
IMHO - Understandable natural feelings but totally unnecessary. My almost 3 yr old calls all women mommy's and all men daddys - even does it with books when she sees a big dog and a small one, one is mommy the other is baby. Just like us.
She loves you, you are HER Mommy - but you do have an obligation to answer her natural curiousity and not make her feel uncomfortable dealing with her reality of having a BM too.
Love your blog, I have an almost 3 yr old adopted from VN and we're in process to bring home our 7 yr old daughter from Taiwan.
I also have a hard time only sending 15 pictures...i usually send 50 or more. like you, i want them to see the life in my girls and know that they are thriving. plus, i put myself in their shoes and i feel like i would want to see as many pictures as possible.
you are doing a great job in talking to claire about adoption. we have done that with our girls since they were 2 years old (or before)...and now at age 5 they are completely secure and comfortable with it all. we have not shown pictures of the bm's as of yet...but they know they grew in somebody else's tummy. you are experiencing natural feelings regarding the bm, and she doesn't have to call her Mommy. I'm sure Claire was just labeling the picture like she would with a book.
If it helps, we do not use the term "birthmother" with our girls at all. i feel it is too confusing at this age. we have said "birthlady" but have never used the reference of mother when discussing with them.
Can you believe I just dropped my girls off for their first day of Kindergarten???
Hi Ann,
As usual, your post was sweet! I have a friend who is adopted and she says the woman who raised her, loved her and has been there for her all her life is her mother--that other woman is just the person who gave her birth. So, I'm not so sure if that is pc or not, but it's how one adoptee feels about it. Also, I don't think we should ever feel guilty about our feelings--it is what we do with them that we are responsible for. Your an awesome mom and it looks like you're raising and awesome daughter ;-)
Blessings, Debbie
Wow! I'm finally catching up on blogs and I am thrilled to see how big your girl is!! Not to mention your post is something that I have been dealing with lately. No words of wisdom from me yet...I'm still sorting out how I feel about recent events. Maybe I'll start blogging again. That used to help me. Anyway, just wanted to say hello from across the Globe:-)
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