BLAH!!

I'm feeling very down today. It seems that I'm having more bad days lately then good. I was feeling very excited about the new year, feeling that this would be THE year that we finally have our child. But, as I'm on the boards and reading about the possibility of now 18 months for a referral my spirits are dampened. Yes, I still have hope that it will happen in 2007. But in the deepest parts of my gut there remains that nagging feeling that it won't. I know that if it doesn't, there's a reason. But I just want so bady to move on with our lives. I hate feeling gloomy, when Jon and I are so blessed in so many other ways. It's at the point that Jon and I don't even want to talk about the adoption, because it just doesn't feel real anymore. It seems further away now then it did last year when we started this whole thing. I promise tommorrow I will be more positive, but right now, today, this minute...I'm scared. Scared that our dreams will never be...

Merry Christmas!!!

Wow I can't believe that it's Christmas eve. I wanted to wish all my friends in bloggy world a very Merry Christmas!! May all our Christmas wishes, spoken or not...be heard. May your spirit be renewed and all your dreams become a reality.

HOPE

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I let it fall so quickly and easily from my fingers. Every year I get a new ornament for our tree, something that symbolizes the past year. I got this ornament for our tree and for a friend of mine that has also been struggling with infertility. On the back of hers I told her that no matter what life throws at us, it can't take away our hope. I wanted her to remember this. But I think I just didn't want to remember it for us.

I remember now.....
Without hope, there is no tomorrow.
Without hope, there are no dreams.
Without hope, there is no faith because Hope is often the result of faith and well.......



I believe.

JUST SHOOT ME NOW!!!

Rumors!! I hate them. But they aren't rumors if they're true right? So I can't say they're rumors. One of the girls on my yahoo group has just said that she rec'd an email from her agency stating that referrals for a boy will be AT LEAST 14 MONTHS!!!!

Did you hear what I said..if not I'll repeat it...

AT LEAST 14 MONTHS!!!!

So just shoot me now. That means we'll be lucky to have our child by NEXT Christmas!!
It seems that every couple of months they tack on two months to the wait. So when I say to myself "okay only 3 more months" the next month I have to say "okay only five more months". How does that make any sense? I know that we are supposed to be fluid. But we have been waiting for a child for 4 years now. For 4 years we have been "trying" in some way or another to start our family. For four years now our lives have been full of stress, anxiety, and tears. I want to move past this, have our child and move on with our lives. I don't want to think about it anymore. Is that horrible? I want dirty diapers, crying children, fevers, temper tantrums...throw whatever you want at me. I can handle it, just involve a child in the equation somewhere!!!

It's been 9 months!!!

OMGAWD!!! It's been 9 months. Now seriously I know I should be celebrating but it's been 9 months. Never did I think we would go nine months and I can't even tell you what the wait will be now. I feel like this wait will never end and to put the icing on the cake I'm having effed up dreams now. I won't tell you all exactly what the dream was, but it was very disturbing. It involved a very cute baby boy and my inability to...well I'll just say that in my dream I was performing CPR on him, b/c I apparently didn't "remember" that I had a child and was very neglectful. My friends have told me it's because I'm nervous about being a Mom. And I know I've heard about women being pregnant and having very vivid dreams about their yet to be born children. But I could seriously do without the totally messed up dreams. And I know that we are on the downslide, but could it go any faster.....PLEASE!!!!!

Those darn spammers!!

So I've been getting several spam comments so I've turned on the word verification for comments. I really don't like the word verification, but I had to turn it on for a while..sorry guys...I know it's a pain.

As far as the adoption. No news. Still Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

On the Jon front. He returned to work Sunday night and it was pretty busy. He's pretty wupped!! But hopefully he'll get out his staples tomorrow and be able to take a REAL shower. He's so looking forward to taking a real shower. I know the two inches of water for his baths was getting old. And I know you just don't feel the same sponging off with a washcloth. Not much else. There are several families that have rec'd travel news so that's awesome. I can't wait for these referrals to start coming again.