It's coming....

...my birthday that is. I won't go there, where I said I would be a Momma in the next year. I said it, I can't take it back. But that was ohh so long ago. It was the beginning of our journey. I was so sure that the past year would be "the" year that I would become a parent. But alas a year has almost come and gone. A year of lessons learned, of hope lost, and found again. Weird how this journey unfolds. But as I am on the cusp of yet another birthday without a child, I am renewed....again. Our baby is a cookin'. And he's almost done. So as we slide into my birthday weekend, I know now....it's almost here. See ya on the flip side. Maybe I'll have a picture..

All aboard.....next stop....



.......................33!!!

Still gonna wait...

Most of you know that I am online with many a yahoo adoption group. They are a great group of families that know all too well what international adoption is all about. There's one family that is on the same time line that Jon and I are on. They got onto the waiting list just weeks after we did. They are actually living in Taiwan. So they have asked Cathwel(our orphanage) about their status and were told to expect another 4-5 month wait. Cool beans. I can wait another 4 or 5 months. I know that it's only 1-2 months less then what we were expecting. But this info came from the horses mouth, so to speak. And that's 1-2 months less. I can live with that. So here's to being hopeful.

And on another note...Jon and I have finally deposited the last of the adoption money into a secret, don't know the account #, have limited access to bank account. Now we can breath a little easier and can spend some money on much needed improvements to our home. The tile guy is coming in two weeks!!! YAY!! Now I know we'll have to redo ALL our documents, but that money should be easier to come by then the huge amount we had to save for the actual adoption...now if we just had a crib?

Why do I ask?

I don't know why I feel compelled to ask our agency as if I didn't know the answer. But I told myself that I would ask at 12 months. We knew that the wait was going to be longer, but I had to ask. Why Ann, why do you feel the need to ask? So I asked our agency what a realistic expectation would be for our wait now. Yes in some small place in my heart I was hoping they would tell me "any day now". But nope...We were told 18 months is the average now. She also went on to tell me that some families are getting the referral sooner, and some later, but the average is 18 months. She must have known that I'm not good with the numbers thing. Yes, I know what "average" means. So again they have tacked on a couple of months. I just hope the wait doesn't keep getting longer. The way it is now, if we wait the 18 months we may not have our child by the end of this year. And if we wait longer, we definately won't have our child by the end of the year. I'm just saying this now...if we don't have a referral by Christmas I'm NOT putting up a tree!! Yes I know my faith is being tested...I know my patience is being tested. As I sit here that song, keeps popping into my head, you know which one..."I get knocked down, but I get up again..."

Student Loans and a Good Dream

--First off, student loans...check check. Finally after 11 years my student loans are gone!! Yipee. I swear I didn't think I would ever get those paid off. One less bill every month means more money in the bank to spend...err save.

--Now the good dream. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I want to document it, just in case I need a reference when we finally get our referral. Most of you know we have not specified gender on our request. We were told by our agency that that means we'll probably get a boy, but you never know. After having horrible dreams about my inabilities as a parent, I was very refreshed by this one. And after reading how women before pregnancies or their referrals had dreams about their children...I thought more about this dream....

--So for documentations sake.....I was holding a baby girl(!!!!) and Jon was next to me. This child was ours and for some reason I knew she was ours. She was fully Asian(not like me) and I just "knew" this. She was our daughter adopted from Taiwan. Her name was Gracie. And I was a little jealous because her first words were "dada". But then as I was holding her, she looked up at me and said "Mommy, I love you". I remember being very overwhelmed by this and felt like I was crying in my dream. Oh and she was a super genius because I felt like she was very young and she was talking to me!!! So there it is...we'll see when that referral rolls in.

NO ONE QUITS

When you work under my hubby, you just don't quit.

I am so proud of him. He was just recognized as the NFL retention leader and the SE region retention leader at work for their "No one Quits" competition. Now I'm not quite sure he knew he was competing, but whatever he did, it worked. No one quit under his supervision and apparently that's a big deal. They recognized him at their weekly supervisor meeting, had a lot of the big wigs there, presented him with two plaques, gave him some gift cards so he could get more clothes for work AND a PLAYSTATION 3. Now for those that aren't into gaming, that's a big deal. This is something he's wanted for a long time. I even thought about getting it for him for Christmas. But it's something like $600. And well, there are better things we could have spent that money on so he obviously didn't get one. He would eye one everytime we went to the store. But poor baby, he just wasn't getting one. Then the other night he called me from work...he has NEVER called me from work. I answered the phone "what's wrong"...then he tells me he won a PLAYSTATION 3. LUCKY DOG. He just hooked it up today and well needless to say he didn't get much sleep. It's like Christmas to him right now. It's like he won the lottery. Now seriously...I know it's a video game system. But he's a guy and this is so major. Maybe it's a sign that our luck is a changing!!

You all knew it was coming. Our 12 month waiting anniversary. We never believed that we would go to 12 months. When we started only one family had gone this far and it was a larger family. No other families in our situation had to wait this long. But we knew it was coming. And even though sometimes it seems like I'm crazy-positive-then not so positive, it's just difficult. One day we're okay with the wait. Then you get this sick to your stomach feeling another day and it's hard to let go. You start to worry and wonder. You try not to let it get to you, but it does. You try to remain positive, but can't. Then the next day you're okay. Sometime I feel kinda manic. But I know I'm not. Twelve months....what can I say about twelve months. We are on the downslide now. And even though we probably have many many more months, each month gone is one month closer to our child. The agency has said that the wait is 12-14 months. I truly feel like they will revamp this statement soon. I think it will be more like 16-20. It sucks, but it is reality. And when people ask us how we can wait this long. My response is always, "what choice do we have?" We can choose to wallow day after day, feeling sorry for ourselves. Or we can "cowboy up" and move on. We can revel in the fact that we are closer to our child. We deal. That's who we are. We are not the constant wallowers. We will not let it drag us down, because we are so much more than a wait right now. We are going to have our family. That's the fact. And if we have to wait longer. Well...we will. Because life, despite it trying to break us ,will not. WE ARE STRONGER THAN THIS WAIT!!! So raise a glass with us tonight my friends. Because we EFFIN made it to 12 months!!!

Can you hear the silence?

I get a blah/vent post folks so bear with me.

We did a role call on my agency Internet group. There is one family @ 18 months, two families @ 16 months, two families @ 14 1/2 months, then us. And yes there are many families after us. But we're now approaching 12 months(you'll get that more positive post on Friday). But since it's not Friday I feel the need to wallow in my own miserable FOREVER waiting room. About two months ago SR. Rosa put out a memo to the agencies about the increasing wait. They are fully aware that this is taking FOREVER and their intentions are not to have the families "suffer" through a long wait. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Yes, they are trying to remedy the situation. But bottom line, there is a backlog(sound familiar, China families) and it's going to take a bit for the wait to get back down.

So since we should already have our referral now, and we Don't. And since it's going to be a while before we do. We are stuck in this miserable waiting room. Imagine this, because this is how it feels.....

The room is bear, nothing on the walls, stark and cold. There is no clock because they don't want you to know how long you've been waiting. There is a crusty old woman sitting at the front desk, talking on the phone about her terrible life. She is preoccupied and oblivious to the many many families in the waiting room. The magazines are all old, because they've been there a long time. And we've already read them a million times as we've waited. We are left to stare at the bleak walls. We all know each other because we've been in this room for a very long time. We've already shared our stories. We've asked all the pleasantries a million times. We are at the point of no conversation. So it is silent. Every once in a while, someone asks again...."how long have you been waiting" Everyone sullenly answers. Then again it is silent. New families join the room. They are so full of joy and anticipation. They pick up a magazine for the first time. We sit in silence. You can tell which families have been there a long time. Their butts are numb. They can't feel their legs. They are hungry for news. They are tired. Tired of waiting. Once in a while that old hairy lady looks up and searches for a certain family and before the families name is announced everyone in the room is alert, anxious, giddy and full of hope that it is their turn. Then that family gets to leave the waiting room. We are left again in silence. But for some odd reason the silence isn't always desperate. Because behind the silence, behind the weary eyes are visions of babies or children, Gotcha days, and tears of joy. So once again we pick up a magazine and read a story we've read before. Because one day that old lady...she'll be calling out our name in the silence!!!