HOPE

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I let it fall so quickly and easily from my fingers. Every year I get a new ornament for our tree, something that symbolizes the past year. I got this ornament for our tree and for a friend of mine that has also been struggling with infertility. On the back of hers I told her that no matter what life throws at us, it can't take away our hope. I wanted her to remember this. But I think I just didn't want to remember it for us.

I remember now.....
Without hope, there is no tomorrow.
Without hope, there are no dreams.
Without hope, there is no faith because Hope is often the result of faith and well.......



I believe.

JUST SHOOT ME NOW!!!

Rumors!! I hate them. But they aren't rumors if they're true right? So I can't say they're rumors. One of the girls on my yahoo group has just said that she rec'd an email from her agency stating that referrals for a boy will be AT LEAST 14 MONTHS!!!!

Did you hear what I said..if not I'll repeat it...

AT LEAST 14 MONTHS!!!!

So just shoot me now. That means we'll be lucky to have our child by NEXT Christmas!!
It seems that every couple of months they tack on two months to the wait. So when I say to myself "okay only 3 more months" the next month I have to say "okay only five more months". How does that make any sense? I know that we are supposed to be fluid. But we have been waiting for a child for 4 years now. For 4 years we have been "trying" in some way or another to start our family. For four years now our lives have been full of stress, anxiety, and tears. I want to move past this, have our child and move on with our lives. I don't want to think about it anymore. Is that horrible? I want dirty diapers, crying children, fevers, temper tantrums...throw whatever you want at me. I can handle it, just involve a child in the equation somewhere!!!

It's been 9 months!!!

OMGAWD!!! It's been 9 months. Now seriously I know I should be celebrating but it's been 9 months. Never did I think we would go nine months and I can't even tell you what the wait will be now. I feel like this wait will never end and to put the icing on the cake I'm having effed up dreams now. I won't tell you all exactly what the dream was, but it was very disturbing. It involved a very cute baby boy and my inability to...well I'll just say that in my dream I was performing CPR on him, b/c I apparently didn't "remember" that I had a child and was very neglectful. My friends have told me it's because I'm nervous about being a Mom. And I know I've heard about women being pregnant and having very vivid dreams about their yet to be born children. But I could seriously do without the totally messed up dreams. And I know that we are on the downslide, but could it go any faster.....PLEASE!!!!!

Those darn spammers!!

So I've been getting several spam comments so I've turned on the word verification for comments. I really don't like the word verification, but I had to turn it on for a while..sorry guys...I know it's a pain.

As far as the adoption. No news. Still Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

On the Jon front. He returned to work Sunday night and it was pretty busy. He's pretty wupped!! But hopefully he'll get out his staples tomorrow and be able to take a REAL shower. He's so looking forward to taking a real shower. I know the two inches of water for his baths was getting old. And I know you just don't feel the same sponging off with a washcloth. Not much else. There are several families that have rec'd travel news so that's awesome. I can't wait for these referrals to start coming again.

Surgery was a success!!

Jon's surgery went well. He tore up his shoulder pretty well. They ended up having to put in a screw and washer which will have to come out in 6-8 weeks. I tried to prepare Jon for the pain, but he just didn't think it would be worse than the actual injury. When he came to, he told me that he really underestimated the pain. Ummm...listen to your wifey honey. He was in a lot of pain when we got home, but by 1 am he said that it was better. They have this "pain pump" that is pumping in local anesthetic every hour. It's pretty neat and I wonder why we don't do this for kids. I still get to be a nurse to him and I get to pull the pain pump tubing out on Saturday(yay!!!) I know......I know.....I have a sick sense of what is exciting. The good thing about Jon having Surgery on Wed. was we didn't have to drive to a thousand different places on Thursday. Everyone just brought us food. Trust me, it was a good deal. But he is doing well and Thanks to everyone for their well wishes and thoughts!

Surgery Today!!

I'm sitting here waiting to leave for Jon's surgery. He's beginning to get a little nervous. I'm already nervous. I know too much. I want to be the nurse in the room. If they could just let me in so that I could personally position him, that would ease my mind. They won't of course. Jon will be in this "beach" chair for his surgery. If they don't position him right, things could be out of wack so to say. I know, I know these people do this all the time. I must relinquish control. We special requested an Anesthesiologist. Do you think I can special request myself to be the nurse in the room. Maybe if I just wear my scrubs in, I could sneak in and act like a student. Then I could be in the room. Then I'll just quietly sneak out after he's positioned properly. Did I mention "properly positioned". Arrr...I hate to not be in control. Wish him LUCK!!

We had our first date!

I forgot to tell you all that on Thursday I finally got to meet Lucia and Camille. Lucia was living in Japan when she and her family adopted Camille from Taiwan. Camille was staying in the same orphanage that we will be adopting from. They moved here several months ago, but this was the first time that we were able to coordinate our schedules to meet. It was so neat to finally meet her after months of "courting" on line. It's always weird and I was a little nervous to meet them. You wonder if you'll have anything to talk about, if the conversation will lag, or if it'll be just terribly awkward. It wasn't at all. When I first saw them I went right up to them and we hugged like old friends, like we'd known eachother for years. Lunch was awesome and the conversation didn't stop. The poor waiter...we camped out for a while. Lucia is so nice and sweet and Camille...just melt my heart. She is such a good baby, didn't cry or fuss once. Of course I didn't even think about it when she wanted some of my soup...I just fed her from MY spoon...oops...I didn't even think that Lucia might find this horrible, tacky, gross, or just unacceptable. Then I gave her chocolate(for the very first time) from my own...gasp...fingers. Thankfully Lucia didn't gasp and was so cool about it. And Camille...well she loves chocolate!! A true girl at heart. I can't wait to spend more time with them.

Please show her some love..

A very dear friend of mine has also been struggling with infertility for 3 years now. She does know that part of the difficulty is PCOS. Since this is not the reason Jon and I have had difficulty my knowledge is limited. She has joined the blogger world to gather info and of course support. I have told her how wonderful my bloggy friends are. If any of you out there has struggled with PCOS please stop by her blog and show her some support. If you know of any friends online with the same problem maybe you could direct them to her site. I know that I rely on my online friends for support on issues that sometimes others don't understand. So please if you know anything about PCOS she would love to hear from you. Her site is www.thepcosfiles.blogspot.com. Thanks guys

The deer won

A Jon update: We've been to two doctors and the ER guys were wrong. Jon has a concussion and a Grade III AC joint dislocation. He can do surgery or not, his choice. It will heal-most likely-on its own without surgery, but it will never be the same and it will leave him with a deformity on his left shoulder. If he does do surgery then the repair will be slightly better then not doing anything. So after consulting his Primary Doc he has decided that with the type of work that he does he will do the surgery. If he didn't do the surgery there is always the possibility that he will need surgery at a later date. Regardless his shoulder will-as the doctor put it-"never be as good as what God gave you". So we are just waiting for the surgeons office to get back to us with a surgery date. We remain grateful that it isn't worse. Now I just want you all to know that Jon has always said that I have a horrible bed side manner(to him). But I have been a good little nurse and treated him like Gold and spoiled him rotten. I suppose that it has to continue through his recovery(darnit!!) I made him promise me that he'll be nice during his recovery, b/c I've seen this surgery and it sure doesn't look like it feels good. I've asked Jon if I could scrub in on his surgery.....he gave me a resounding "NO!!" You know I just think he doesn't want me to have any fun. He said that if I were allowed to scrub in, he'd end up with a catheter in his "you know" and tubes elsewhere...all for my sick sense of humor. The sad thing is he's right....It really would be funny, ya know!!!

He's being life flighted...

I will tell you as I sit here...Calmer now...Relieved...Thankful...that those words are some of the worst words you can ever hear. Today was the opening of hunting season. Jon was so excited to finally be at a place where he could take a weeks vacation and go out to the woods to hunt. He left yesterday. My father and his father were there. He was supposed to call me on Sunday when everyone else left except him. It was about four thirty when the phone rang and it was my father. My first words were "what's wrong". He tells me not to panic. But Jon was climbing into a tree stand...it broke or something and he fell. They're taking him to Shands. Shands is the shock trauma hospital for our area. My father told me that he was okay and that they were just taking him for precautionary reasons, possible c-spine injury. I told him I was on my way. I didn't ask any other questions and high tailed it to Shands. I got to Shands and called his mother to tell her that he wasn't there yet. She told me that he was being life flighted. Now I wasn't really panicked at that point...worried..yes..but not panicked. But after hearing those words "he's being life flighted.." I will tell you every possible c-spine horror story ran through my little nurses brain. I stood outside of the emergency room as the helicopter flew in and landed. My stomach dropped as I saw them wheel him into the emergency room. He was awake and moving as far as I could see from where I was. But you never want to see your loved one being flown into the hospital. We all waited until they allowed us back. They did very shortly and there was my honey in his little neck brace, lying flat, but okay. We just had to wait for him to clear c-scan. He was in a lot of pain and his shoulder was hurt. I've never seen fear in his eyes. I did tonight. I never want to see fear in his eyes again. It's scary. My big strong man as much as he didn't want to admit it was hurt. But thankfully he did clear c-scan. He fell 12-15 feet onto his shoulder and neck. He briefly lost conciousness. He was feeling very weird. He was scared. That scared me. It could've been worse. Thank you God that it wasn't. He fell onto a palmetto bush and ground. He's pretty hurt. His shoulder although not dislocated is hurting him pretty good right now. They think he "separated" a ligament in his shoulder. They say it sometimes heals by itself, but he will have to followed up with orthopedics. I am so very grateful that he isn't hurt worse. He was carrying his rifle as he was climbing into the stand. It was loaded with a bullet in the chamber. But thankfully the safety was still on. Thankfully as he fell, the safety did not get bumped and thankfully the gun didn't discharge. I am thankful for so many things tonight. I am thankful that his injuries are not worse. I am thankful for all the little "coincidences" that kept him safe. He wasn't alone. His father was walking away from him when he heard him fall...the safety was on...he didn't fall directly on his head..I know he was being looked out for tonight. Thank you God!!

Number 8..

So when we started this adoption, the average was eight months for a referral. We're here!!!! But alas as you all know, things change. It sucks. I remember when we started 8 months seemed so far off. I couldn't imagine getting to the eight month mark. And now that we're here, well we're talking at least another 4 months(maybe more) until our referral and then we have the court process which can be another 4 or so months until we travel. Now I really can't imagine 8 more months!!! Can you imagine another eight months? What can I talk about for another 8 months!?! I'm not liking this eight number!! But I will try to stay positive...Okay, I'm done trying.... No really, at least we've made it this far and we aren't just starting. So today I will celebrate getting to this eight month mark...and moving on to better things!!

I'm so not going there...

I'm hearing rumors...
about the wait..
I can't even bring myself to write it.

So I'm not.
I'm just gonna hope...
...and pray

I'm going to choose not to think about it.
Not right now...
Not today.

Note to self: men's underwear---NOT comfortable!!!

So my trauma for the day and sure to put a smile on everyone's face. We so need to laugh during this journey so I will sacrifice myself!!

Lately I've been getting up very early, going to the gym at work, working out, then showering at the gym before going to work. In the wee morning hours I grab underwear, a bra and scrubs for the day. Okay, so that's what happened, went to the gym, worked out, showered then went to put on my underwear...only it's not my underwear...It's Jon's boxer brief underwear the same color grey as mine..Now I have a dilemma.. I can wear Jon's underwear or go "commando". At work when you're busy, sweating and moving a lot I need a good ole pair of cotton undies..so I HAVE to wear JON'S UNDERWEAR!!! ALL DAY!!

Done...go to work, tell my friends cuz I thinks it's slightly humorous...By 0815 my entire OR room knows that I am wearing Jon's underwear. By afternoon half the OR knows and by the end of the day the girls in the recovery room are asking to see that I really have JOn's underwear on. Then I have to explain how I got his underwear mixed up with mine and why I didn't notice. FUN..FUN...FUN... just in case you ladies are wondering, men's underpants...not so comfortable...all day I was fixing them, pulling them down, adjusting them. Ever wonder why men adjust themselves all day....IT'S THE UNDERWEAR!!!! They are not comfortable. I had one doc tell me it's because I didn't have the right equipment to "fill" out the underwear properly, Yeah thanks for that bit of knowledge.

So at 0515 tomorrow when I'm heading out the door, I will make sure that I have my underwear with me!!!

Best compliment EVER!!

I was in the lounge with some friends at work. They told me they were talking about me...great I thought!! We were talking about how I was worried about what I'm going to do with my schedule when we get our child. I'm worried about Jon who works at night and will take care of the baby during the day, until I get home from work.. I'm worried about him getting enough rest...I'm worried...and bottom line...I'm worried. My friend looks at me and smiles....What I ask...Then she gives me the best compliment ever...See Ann, she tells me...this child isn't even here yet and you're worried.....You're already a parent!!

Almost made me cry, it was so sweet, simple and the best compliment EVER!!

You've never been to Daytona?

...no I've never been to Daytona.

You've been to Daytona..

No I've never been to Daytona..

You're Sh*#!ing me..You've never been to Daytona...
(This is the conversation we had in the car on the way to St. Augustine for the day)

NO JON I've never been to Daytona. I wasn't allowed to traipse on down to Daytona, then I moved away when I was 19, remember, moved back when I was 26, and I've been with you since...and we haven't been to Daytona. I missed those formative partying days in close proximity to Daytona.

But you went to a race..

Not me.

**So to Daytona we went...in the middle of Biketoberfest**

It's like a nicer Jax beach area. Lots of bikes. The racetrack is cool, bigger then I expected. Of course I wasn't anticipating going to the beach, so I was hotter than can be in my denim, looking like a tourist walking down the beach with my purse!!

We sat on a bench laughing as some guy with a rented long board was in knee deep water, who could barely sit on the board, wobbling to and fro as his girlfriend tried to get a picture of him in the waves. Trust me it was hilarious. Then he tried to swim out further with his board sideways, as the waves are kicking his butt, throwing the board back at him, on top of him, to the side of him....only to come back on shore beat up...but he got his picture. It was too funny. But then again I had my trusty purse!!

We had a great time, of course all the while talking about how neat it's going to be to take our child to all these places. The dominate subject in most of our conversations. So anyways my Daytona cherry is popped!!!

Sometimes you just hafta smile!!!

He told me he took a "portrait" of himself...
Great I thought...I don't have a lot of pictures of him...
This is what I got....
Every time I look at it I smile!!
He can always make me smile!!

SEVEN months done...

So today is seven months on the waiting list. I guess it's going faster. Some days are faster than others. I figured we would have had our referral by now, but oh well...that's life. It seems that you don't really escape the two week wait thing. I still live my life in two week increments. Two weeks til we are 7 1/2 months, then two more weeks til we are 8 months and so on and so on. We are at least on the downslide to our referral. We'll get there, hopefully not too long after the holidays.

Don't tell me...

1. that I want a baby so badly that it kills me because..
   yes I do and a statement like that hurts.
2. Don't tell me that we are crazy for wanting a baby so badly because..
   we are NOT crazy, you just don't appreciate the children you have!!
3. Don't tell me that it's not that you don't appreciate your children, but that you just
   appreciate your free time more because...
   quite frankly I think that's sad.... for your children.
4. Don't tell me to appreciate our free time while we have it because...
   we've had our free time and at this point in our lives we want to share our time with a
   child!!!! I'm sorry that you don't see it that way.
5. Don't tell me that you don't understand why we are in such a hurry to have children because..
   if 4 years of trying to have a baby is in a hurry...well bite me!!
6. Don't tell me that we'll get pregnant after we adopt because...
   although it would be nice, it takes away from our adoption NOW, as if getting
   pregnant would be somehow nicer, better than adopting now.
7. Don't tell me that we can have one of your children..
   because quite frankly We would probably do a better job of raising them and if you
   tempt me long enough, I will. WE have an approved homestudy, ya know.
   
   Sometimes people just don't get it. Why not try....
   "I'm excited for you two...It must be hard, you've been through a lot...It's going to be amazing, I can't wait for you two to be parents....I'm here for you....You're going to love it...."
   
   Okay I'm done with my Sunday rant...it's out, but just a warning.....one day one of these statements is going to make me snap...And I'm so NOT going to be nice about it!!
   

Where is this baby they speak of.....

I'm going to search HIGH and LOW for this Kid...

.....Nope not here......maybe he's under here.....


.....Darn....he's not here either...I held my breath as long as I could, but I couldn't see him.....Where is this baby they keep telling me about?

Baby Chinese: lesson #1

Yes our baby is coming from Taiwan, but the most used language is not Taiwanese. Although there are different dialects used, the official language is Mandarin Chinese. I have tried to learn Chinese...Yeah it's not working, it's a very difficult language. But we do have a list of "baby Chinese" phrases. So the first phrase Jon and I have learned is "I love you"

I love you----the Chinese phrase is "wo ai ni".
It is pronounced "wah eye knee"
So say it with me....wah eye knee.
wah eye knee.
You have completed your first lesson in baby Chinese. Thank you for participating!! :0)

Do You Know Me...

My newest scrapbook page...on the side on the blue cut outs is something I wrote:

Do you know me?
I know you...

I don't know what you look like..
I don't know your name..
I don't know how it feels to hold you,
But I know you.

I know my heart beats for you.
I know my soul yearns for you.
I know my body feels you growing,
But do you know me?

When it is quiet..
Do you feel my heart beat?
When the wind is still...
Do you hear me cry for you?
When you are alone.....
Do you feel my arms around you?
When you sleep..
Do you know I am praying for you?

Do you know me?
I know you.

When you first feel me wrap my arms around you
I wonder....
Will you know me?
I know you.

hmmmmm.......hmmmmmmm....

Hear that...That's the sound of my Air Conditioner working. Jon actually fixed the AC by himself. I'm so proud of him and it only cost us $49.39. It took a while for our house to cool down, but it made for a much nicer nights sleep. Hope your weekends were great!!!


****Kudos to my Dad who troubleshot the AC over the phone!!!****

I NEED my AIR CONDITIONING!!!!!

Quick whinny post. Yes we are spoiled. Our AC broke and it's HOT!!!! It's Florida by gosh. Yeah it's easy to tell everyone else that it'll be okay when their AC stops working. Kinda like I did to my Dad Thursday when his AC broke(sorry!!) But it's a DIFFERENT story when my AC stops working, ya know. I mean, seriously, really IT'S HOT!!! And to top things off we spent all our extra money doing some much needed maintenance to my car. So now we're sans money and need a repair. We do have money in the bank for the adoption....but that money is not touchable. So VISA to the rescue. VISA saves lives, VISA cures all. Hello VISA!!!

Name game, wanna play?

So forever Jon and I have had names picked out. Jonathan Christopher if it's a boy and Kierstin Nicole if it's a girl. I have NO leeway on the boys name. He WILL be named after his Daddy I am told. At least it's a nice name. So that leaves me with some give and take on a girls name. I love the name Kierstin, but every time I tell people the name we have chosen, no one really likes it. They may say "oh, that's nice", but their tone tells me differently. Others have told me flat out they don't like it. Someone said it might be hard to pronounce. But we tested that. If we really like a name we ask my Mom to pronounce it. She has an accent and if she can say it, that's always a good sign. And she can pronounce it, so we thought we were in the good. I know, she would be our child and we can name her whatever we want, but I don't want her to have a "weird" name. I work in Peds and I see a lot of weird names. I swear some people just throw letters together and oops there's a name.


So what do you all think of Kierstin...too off? Any suggestions, the first name has to go with Nicole.

I don't wanna go back to work!!!!!

So today is the last day of our vacation. Jon and I always without a doubt take our wedding anniversary week off. For the first three years we actually went somewhere. For the last two we have nixed vacation in favor of saving money. Last year it was to save for IVF which turned into adoption and this year of course it is to finish saving for the final expenses of our adoption. We're almost there and 0nly have 3-4 thousand more to save. BUT, I hate not taking a real vacation. We both work very hard, we don't miss work and deserve to actually "go" somewhere. But alas it is for a good cause and we'll be taking a vacation next year to top all others and we'll be bringing home a baby on that one!!!

I still hate going back to work though. It puts me in a bad mood. I'm usually a little grumpy on my first day back. I hate mornings to begin with and getting up at 5am really just ices the cake. I wish we could just fast forward to Gotcha DAY!!!!

Our last Anniversary...

Without a child. 5 years and 1 day ago we exchanged vows in a beautiful gazebo in Hawaii. We had a harpist playing in the background as we exchanged vows and promised our lives to each other. We had and still do have so many dreams for ourselves. I so tried to post this yesterday, but blogger was being a pain. I can't believe that it has already been 5 years. We've lasted longer than many we know, and longer than I'm sure many predicted. HA!! The last 4 years have been difficult as we've tried to start a family. Sometimes we've even talked about how having a family has dominated our marriage. We finally feel that weight off our shoulders as we get deeper and deeper into this adoption. We finally feel that we are reaching our "lasts". So last night we raised a glass to our last Anniversary without a child. I look forward to last birthdays, last Thanksgiving, last Christmas, last New years, last Valentine's day. Heres to lasts...

It's weird, this time for us

This is such a weird time for us. On September 10th, 2001, Jon and I boarded a plane for Maui-for our wedding. We flew out of Florida, through LAX, and onto Maui for our long awaited destination wedding planned for September 12th. We were very lucky, we safely arrived late September 10th, called my parents who were in Ohio visiting family, checked into our hotel, wandered around Maui, then went to bed, ready for the most important day, full of excitement and trepitation as most "almost" married couples are. Our families stayed behind and we were meeting two of our friends already there. We had an appointment September 11th, to get our marriage license. All was well. I woke up early September 11th. Jon was still sleeping. I walked out on our balcony with the beach on one side and the mountains on the other. I called my friend back home to brag about our view..."you don't know what's going on in the world, do you"...."what do you mean in the world"..."turn on your TV!!" I think she told me more, but that's all I remember. About this time Jon woke up.."Turn on the TV..terrorists flew into a building in New York!" We had to call our friends that were also in Maui and tell them what was going on, they didn't know yet. I remember we were on the phone a lot making sure family knew we were okay. We live near military bases and there were a lot of rumors floating around. We had to be sure that things were taken care of, since we were so far away. We spent many hours that day on the phone, watching TV, reading about what had happened. You see 9/11 had already happened by the time we woke up. Thankfully we didn't see the tragedy live, we didn't see the horror. We were scared, as everyone was....we were sad! But we were also in Hawaii, the trip of a lifetime, on the eve of our wedding. As awful as it sounds, we had to turn off the T.V. and enjoy our time there. That's why this time is so weird for us. On September 11th, we walked past the crowds gathered around T.V. screens, held eachother and walked into the office to get our marriage license. It was always in the back of our minds, and when we would go back to our hotel I would turn the tube on to see what was going on. Jon would tell me to turn it off. On September 12th we indeed did get married. I walked down the lobby, in my wedding dress to meet the man that became my husband. But each year as Jon and I get ready to celebrate our Marriage, we are torn. It's weird this time for us, we remember the trajedy in such a different light. We were so far from home, yet so connected to all those that lost their lives. We are so saddened, yet joyous at the same time. We were very lucky, in so many ways. Each year as the tributes are placed we look at eachother and are thankful that we were safe that day. Thankful like so many others that we didn't leave the next day. But we always remember the eve of our wedding....all those that lost their lives..it changed our world.

Six months and waiting...

Wow, it's been six months that we have been on the waiting list. I must admit that it is starting to go a little faster now. I'm done with the downslide of fear and am feeling much better. If you're wondering, the symbol to your left is the Chinese symbol for six. When we started the adoption the wait was six to twelve months for a referral so this month is a bittersweet accomplishment. Today would have been the minimum wait time, but alas things are always changing in the adoption world. But, we can't focus on that right now. Things change, another hill to climb. Jon and I are fortunate that we have such a strong marriage. No hill is too high, no problem too big, and no obstacle insurmountable. Together we will forge through the next several months. Now the minimum wait is 9 months so that takes us to December. We'll get there. The average is looking like 12 months, but we'll face that next year. Next year, wow, that's not too far off. There have been two families with our adoption agency that have received their referrals. I'm so excited for them. They've waited a long time. But, for us that means two couples off that waiting list. Two families closer to our child. Check them out here and here. When I was checking one families blog I was squealing in excitement for them, my sil was sitting next to me thinking that WE had rec'd our referral. But that's okay. We're six months down and not too long to go...We can feel it!!

Welcome to my roller coaster....

Ever seem to have one of those days when you have that doom and gloom feeling in your gut? Well welcome to that day for me. I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something bad is going to happen. I know everyone had told me that adoption is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Just the other day I was saying that I was feeling oddly good about the adoption. Today is not that day. I'm scared!! Scared that after we invest all that we have, the judge is going to simply say "NO!" Then we will be back to square one and out a lot of money. It's not that we haven't faced this fear in the beginning. But today it's strong. After all the everything you have to go through just to get on the waiting list and get that famous immigration clearance. You start to sit back and cruise, but then that little devil plays with the back of your mind telling you it's not going to happen and pushes you over the edge of doubt, barreling you at warp speed to the bottom without a safety harness. I keep trying to tell myself that it's all going to be fine. Now for those that know me personally...no snide remarks...I can be a tad pessimistic...I said no snide remarks!! But I have tried to stay very positive through this whole process. You kinda have to be or you'll go insane. But it's got to be normal to ride up and down, emotionally, like an old wooden coaster, right? Please tell me that I'm not loosing it!!!

Conversation to continue next month....

We're driving in the car when Jon says to me:
"we've been on the waiting list more than seven months"
???????
"huh?"
"yah, seven months down"

Now let me just let you in on a little secret. Jon has a tendency to add time to things when he tells stories. Like we've been together 9 years when in fact we've been together 7 years. Nothing big, just a tad exaggerated.

So I tell him "no sweetie, we haven't even been on the waiting list 6 months yet. But we're close, next week will be six months for us"

"no it's been 7 months"
"no, honey we were on the waiting list March 9th and now it's September"

silence

"oh, okay, so we'll continue this conversation next month..."

I hate computers!!!!!

So our home computer is still in the shop. I think we're getting a new hard drive. Whatever...just make the flippin thing work. So now I've resorted to using our totally ancient laptop that was given to us about a billion years ago. It's sloooow, even with dsl high speed. Work with me please!! I never wanted high speed. I never really got onto the computer much before it, but now it's driving me absolutely insane to not have the thing. So to everyone out there that I follow. I am reading your journeys. Really I am. It just takes way too long to post a comment right now.

Little boy humor....

Since I won't have access to a computer this weekend. I have to get one last post in. I won't say where I'm at right now...

So my nephews stopped by last night. We were all talking about the adoption and what their new cousin will look like and about the adoption overall..

nephew " he won't be family'

me "yes, he will be family"

nephew"so he'll be part family"

me"no, he will just be family"

nephew"okay"

nephew as he giggles "he'll be family when he farts like Uncle Jon!!!"

me....nothing. Little boy humor, I can't wait!!!!

The computer saga continues...

I am at work right now so...shhhhhhh!!!!! The home computer is going back to the shop with Jon saying "I don't care what you do, just fix it!!!!"

So I'm off line again.....crapola!!!

I really did get something done...

See I told you I got some scrapbooking done....If you click on the picture it will get bigger for ya..
I'm not so thrilled with the stampage on this one, but it was important for me to get this title in.
On the inside of Jon's wedding band I inscribed "my one true love", oh and our wedding date. No excuses on a missed anniversary, right!!
This one is of me and my bestest...Miss Island Girl herself...Jen...I titled it "True" for obvious reasons...true friendship...this is where you all say awwwww...so sweet!!
And this is a picture that I love of us on the beach after we got married..starring towards forever. Sorry about the glare, but if it wasn't there you would notice that I was barefoot(I had shoes on when we got married) I love it.

So no news on the adoption, but I am feeling very oddly good about it right now. Like it won't be forever until we get our baby. Hmmm.. wonder what that means.

And for those of you that have my bellsouth web address, please email me so I have your email address. When our computer crashed he saved everything but everyone's email address. And if you don't have our bellsouth address, email me through this blog and I'll add you.

Tootles all!!

I'm baaaaaack!!!!!!

OMG, I hated not being with my computer. Last Friday I got home from work and as usual went straight to my computer. Clicked on the internet icon, and NOTHING!!! Tried again...Worse!! OMG I thought to myself. I called Best Buy and they told me it wasn't good(I read the error message). They told me how much it would cost, so we called someone else. I asked Jen to write a message for me letting everyone know that I was cut off from the online world. I see that she hijacked the blog. Thankfully she didn't reveal too much. She's such a great friend, but we've known eachother a loong time and she could've really outed me on a lot of things. Thankfully she didn't. When our other friend pulled up our computer, he told us it wasn't good. He wasn't sure that he would be able to save anything. We were very upset, b/c on our hard drive is the scanned copy of the birthfamily album. We had intended to copy the birthfamily album for our child to see later. Anyhow...long story short. He saved everything on our computer and I'm Back. It will probably take me a little while to catch up on everyone, but I will. So for a week with out my online addiction I did get some stuff done...

1. I repainted our master bathroom a metallic silver faux paint job. Yes this doesn't sound so hot, but it looks so good. Finally!! I hated the other grey we painted that looked blue. Now it looks so modern and cool, kinda like I knew what I was doing.
2. I got some scrapbooking done. I'm still working on the wedding album. I'll post some pictures later. But I got like 5 pages done.
3. I tried to burn the house down. I had a grease fire in the kitchen...okay so this doesn't fall under the "I got some stuff done.." category, but it happened. Mind you in my infinite wisdom I didn't want to "waste" the fire extinguisher on this pan fire. But I couldn't figure out how to get the fire out....can't use water...didn't have baking soda...couldn't waste the fire extinguisher. Yelled for my husband, after what seemed like an eternity of yelling he FINALLY comes running...in his underwear...half asleep...skinny legs...yelling "baking soda"..."We don't have baking Soda!!!" So anyways I poured salt on it til it went out.
4. Learned two things....

• When you have a grease fire, place the lid over the pan to smother the o2. The fire will go out. Oh yah forgot about that one.
• If you have a fire and you need help, don't just call out "JON" yell "FIRE!" Help will come much faster, sensing the urgency of the situation.

So that was my week without my computer. See if I'd just had my computer, I wouldn't have been so dangerous in the kitchen!!! I will catch up with you all this weekend. See ya soon. I can't wait to see what's been happening.

3.5 things you didn't know about Ann...

So Ann is still without a computer, so I figure as her best friend, I should continue to hijack her blog until I get busted!! lol!! So hmmm....what should we discuss tonight? oh...how about 3.5 things you didn't know about Ann.

1. In high school, Ann used to work for Little Caesar's pizza! To this day, she can tell you how many pieces of pepperoni go on a large pizza!

2. Also in high school, Ann barely gave, her now future husband, the time of day!! I'm serious folks...she barely remembers him.

3. Ann does not like to drive far distances without a map, and alot of visual markers to let her know that she is going in the right direction.

3.5 Ann is actually certified to teach CPR! (I personally did not know this until just a few weeks ago...go figure!)

Okay...so that's my story and I'm stickin' to it! Until next time (or until Ann realizes I've been blogging for her again)...have a good week!!

Guest poster....

Hi everyone! This is Ann's friend Jen. I am guest posting for Ann tonight because her computer crashed.

This is the part where we all say "awwww....."! Because Ann's world has just crashed along with her computer. It has only been 5hrs since her computer crashed and she is still whining on the phone to me about how she has no access to email and no access to her blogs. She has no clue what to do with herself now. I told her she should scrapbook....she just laughed at me!

So if you have emailed Ann recently don't be upset if she doesn't answer you back right away!!

Thanks for letting me guest post!!

Peace,
Jen

Count with me...

ONE....TWO....THREE....FOUR.....FIVE!!!!!

Five months down. We're almost half way there. Can you feel it?

Can you feel the months passing by? This is the only time in my life when I want time to speed by. After our little one gets home, we are gonna want time to slooooooow down, so we can enjoy our baby. So we have made it through 5 months. Should we count again? Okay I won't make you count with me again......

Okay, maybe just one more time.....
One....Two.... Three....Four....FIVE MONTHS DOWN!!!
And FIVE MONTHS DONE!!!


**I wrote this Tuesday night, but waited until today Wednesday August 9th to post it. So the date is supposed to be August 9th-our 5 month wait date****

So I just learned..

....that we will not receive a picture with our referral. I'm not sure where I figured this, but I always thought that we would get the medical info with a picture. Now I have learned that we will get a very detailed medical and social history on the birthmother and maybe her family. But no picture. Cathwel wants you to make a decision based on the history, medical and so forth, not on a picuture. I learned this from my yahoo group-Adopting from Taiwan. Thanks Ladies, once again you are invaluable. Once we accept the referral we will get a bunch of pictures and monthly updates until we travel. So I'm not really upset by this b/c in my infinate wisdom, I was going to try and not look at any pictures anyways. Yah, I know I probably won't be able to hold out very long, but I was going to try as weak as I may be. I have a friend who adopted and she looked at the pictures, but her hubby didn't. He never saw their little one until he laid eyes on her in person(Hi sweetie, I know you're reading this) I thought this was so cool, so I was going to try, at least. I figure we wouldn't be able to see a true picture of a baby we conceived, and it's not like we would deny a referral as long as the baby was healthy. So in his true wisdom, God made it so I wouldn't get to look, until after we accepted our child. I know this is weird but I'm kinda excited about this. I worried about how I would feel based on what he looked like (yes this sounds horrible, but at least I'm honest). I didn't want to "think" anything based on a picture. Does this make any sense? I know that I will fall in love with our child the minute I see him, heck I'm in love with him now and I don't know anything about him, but this is something I've worried about. So now that weight is off my shoulders. We will be able to see the medical and social history and decide if this is our child...and yes I'm still going to try NOT to look.

Lesson #240: if you don't ask, they'll tell!!!

We received an email newsletter update on the Taiwan program. So I've decided I'm just not going to read my email anymore!!! They wanted us to be aware that the time frame for Taiwan referrals has lengthened. Knew that. So they are letting us know that as a result, some adoptive families in the Taiwan program will have to update their Home Study and CIS(immigration) approvals. Okay, so I knew this, but I sure don't like seeing it in writing. Jon is upset even though we knew this was a possibility. But it looks like it is more than a possibility now. I'd also like to know why our fingerprints expire next June, but our I171h doesn't expire until November of next year('07). It doesn't make any sense. So I called the agency to ask a few questions. Jon and I decided we would just redo these things at the end of January and eat the cost. But I find out from our agency that we CAN'T redo our fingerprints before 1month from expiration. So if we get our referral in March(12 months of waiting) and we wait 4-6 months for the court process obviously our fingerprints will expire, but we won't be able to redo them until May. Now it takes a couple of months to process the fingerprints, putting us in the possiblity of having to wait to travel because of our freakin' fingerprints. Which is what we wanted to avoid by redoing it all in January. Can you sense our frustration? Supposidly there is a bill in congress right now trying to change all this, allowing our I171H forms to be valid for a longer period of time. It seems that all programs(countries) are running into this problem because the referral wait is increasing all around. ARGGGGGGHHHH!!! I just wish that once, just once things would go easily for us. The woman that I spoke with at our agency was so sweet and very nice, bless her heart. But this is very frustrating. At the end of the letter our agency sent it said :" At times the wait and additional paperwork may seem overwhelming and frustrating, but please know, you wil soon be bringing home your bundle of joy...sincerley..."

I know this, really I do. And I know that in the end it will all be worth it, but I just want it to go smoothly for once, just once.

Lesson #239: Don't ask!!!

So our agency as always promptly replied to my email last night. I should've just let myself live in my fantasy world where despite the trend of 9-12 months for a referral, we are very special and wouldn't have to wait that long. You see in my fantasy world our childs birthmother has dreamed of a mother for her child, she is Asian, or part Asian and her name is Ann. So the orphanage would search and search all the photoalbums until she found us. And this would happen very soon. And as everyone else has to wait 9-12 months, WE would receive our "call" somewhere around 7 months(my original fantasy was 4 months) Yes I said it was MY fantasy world. And it was very nice there. I liked it in my fantasy world. In my fantasy world I am happy. There are no let downs in my fantasy world. And in my fantasy world WE ARE SPECIAL!! So I'd like to know who gave our adoption agency the very HUGE knife that burst our bubble?

Their very nice reply:
"Hi Ann,

Yes, unfortunately it's too soon for news on your case. Currently families are waiting close to a year for the referral of a baby. Our most recent families to receive referrals waited 11.5 months to be chosen by a birth family.....

Thinking of you,

Bonnie"

So with that in mind, if we go the 12 months, we will have to redo everything. We will have to get an update to our homestudy, redo fingerprints, and the dreaded I171H(immigration). So folks, I have my comfy shoes on, a pair of sweats, and a grungy ol' tshirt...I'm buckling down for a very LONG wait.

"I'm really starting to get excited about our adoption..."

That's what Jon just said to me. It feels so good to hear him express that. He even asked me to email our agency to see if they still know we're alive. He asked me how long it had been since I even talked with them. It's been a couple of months and even though I know they have nothing to tell us right now, I emailed them anyways. Just because Jon asked me to. We'll see what they say.

Things our child won't do...

Things our child won't do that our "other" babies do....

1. Our child won't chew through the wall or on the curtains when he's bored
2. Our child won't take off every corner of every loose rug in the house..at least not with his teeth
   
3. Our child won't play in his water when he's thirsty...well maybe he will
4. Our child won't wake us in the middle of night to play..okay he might
5. Our child won't sleep right smack dab in the middle of us leaving absolutely no room on our King sized bed....I know he probably will
6. Our child won't poke every boney appendage into my spine while I sleep then act mad if I try to move him...right?
   
7. Our child won't give us sad puppy eyes every single time we eat something begging for a morsel....so I can see this happening
8. Our child won't whine every time we go out without him..creating serious guilt...aren't the grandparents supposed to stop this one?
9. Our child won't leave his toy right in the middle of the floor so that when I get up half asleep in the middle of night I take a serious nose dive b/c I tripped over it....now really I can prevent this one..
10. Our child won't cause serious mind boggling stress every time I hear him cough or sneeze..okay so I'm fooling myself!!!
11. Our child won't ignore me when I tell him to quiet down because Daddy's trying to sleep...please tell me he will listen!!!!
12. Our child won't eat every firey hot pepper off the pepper plant...oh wait I did that or was it my sister as a child...okay so maybe he will
13. Our child won't....really I have one.....trust me...really....Our child won't be put in a cage when we leave the house!!!!!!! :0)

So I was trying to convice myself.....didn't work!!!!
But...he won't chew through the wall when he's bored, right?

Can you say SELFISH?

So much has been put on hold as we've "tried" for a baby. And now with the adoption all of our extra resources have been put towards the cost. I'm not complaining. I know that our baby will be worth every penny that we've had to pay towards adoption costs. But lets face it things have been put on hold. I honestly don't care about that..I want a family more than I want any materiel "things" but I've noticed something lately. A lot of times when we talk, we talk about what things we're going to get once "the baby is here". We talk about a a new house, a new"er" recreational vehicle, a new T.V., carpet, home improvements, clothes, shoes, A NEW BRA!!! OMGosh....the realization hit me....

We're selfish. Not that we don't talk about all the stuff we're going to get for our baby, or all the things we're going to do with our child, but we also talk a lot about what we're going to get for ourselves, and the vacations we're going to take(with baby of course). But as I was driving home today thinking about my new TV and tivo that I'm wanting once baby gets here, I was struck by the total absurdity and selfishness of our thoughts. OMGosh are we going to be terrible parents b/c we still want all this stuff for ourselves. What horrible thoughts, I kept saying to myself. I wonder if our thoughts will change. What if they don't? What if we are horribly selfish parents? What if the baby gets here and our "we want" thoughts don't stop? I don't want to be one of those people that complains about not having stuff b/c they have a family. I'm not a materialistic person, trust me!! But why are we continually talking about "stuff" we're going to get once the baby get here?

He got his game on

Remember this post about the new basesball glove? Well he was able to finally play this weekend with the guys at work. They had a picnic, food and softball. Now we won't mention that after trying to field a ball, he fell over in the grass with the utmost of grace...sorta. But nobody really saw that. We won't mention that today, he told me that it hurt to get out of bed. I will tell you we had a great time and he slammed the ball out to left field several times and hustled faster than most of the younger guys. I will tell you that aside from the spill in right field, he did catch many balls that were slammed his way. Yes he is my baseball star!! YAY!!!

So do you think he's born yet?

**first off let me say that we refer to our baby as a he. Why? b/c our agency has told us that since we didn't specify gender on our request we will probably be referred a boy. With that in mind it's easier to say "he" verses "he/she, him/her, or it"" We don't have a preference aside from a healthy child**

Okay that being said, this question came up at work the other day. "so do you think he's born yet?".

Wow...do we think he's born yet. Well no. We think he's conceived, but not born yet. "But"...they tell me... " If when you get him home he'll be somewhere around 8-12 months old, and you expect to have him home around this time next year, then he's probably born"

So I think about this and I'm resistant to it. "no, he's not born yet"

"But Ann..."

So I think about it some more. We expect our referral sometime between December and February..March at the latest. December being 9 months on the waiting list and at the very freaking out stage of 12 months of waiting..March. Calculations going on in my head(y'all know I'm not good at math) that would mean....
"NO He's not born YET"

So now I'm at the stage of trying to figure out "if he's eight months old when we get home..then he would be born around...if he's 9 months old"

MY head hurts. I guess I just go with my gut. I don't "feel" like he's born yet. Actually I "feel" like he's just into the second trimester of development. But my gosh that question really got me thinking...

OMG I wonder if he's born yet?

It's a Birthday Party!!!

We had the badmitten net set up for the kids...

The Grill for the big kids (this was before EVERYONE showed up)



And The Cake for the BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!

Say Hello to Jon's Grandmother!!!

On Saturday, we celebrated her 80th Birthday at our house. We had a ton of people at our house,along with a ton of good food and good times. It seemed that everyone had a great time. We sang Happy Birthday to her and she got to blow out her candles....we had a big "8" and a big "0"candle...we did NOT make her blow out 80 candle...geesh. After the cake she was so happy, on the verge of tears and then she tells me that this was her VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY....EVER!!!!! Awww, almost made me cry. I am so happy that we were able to throw her

her very first birthday party. She hung out til dark and I think overall had a really good day with her family and my family all around her. Can you believe that at 80 she still works.

Go Grandma...It's your Birthday!!!

In Memory of...

Last year around this time we went on a camping trip and our fur baby Buddy unexpectantly passed away. I couldn't go without remembering him during this month. He wasn't really Jon's dog at first, but became ours when we got together and was a very important part of our lives. For anyone that personally knows us, our dogs are very important in our lives. I remember being very angry, b/c we had struggled with infertility for a long time and I felt that God was taking the only babies that we had. Buddy was a beautiful majestic pure black German Shepard. We were never afraid when he was around. He had the biggest heart. He was HUGE, but so sweet. We had also lost our dog Pandora about a year and a half earlier. Pandora was a mixed breed and full of spunk. She always looked out for me and was very protective. I had had her since I was nineteen and she weathered some really tough times with me. The unconditinal love of your dogs in inmeasureable. So after Buddy passed we were at the bottom of the bottom, no baby yet, no hopes of a baby and now both of our dogs were gone. It was a very difficult time. So I just wanted to take a moment to remember them, because they were our first babies together. And although we now have two new wonderful fur babies together and the hope of our human baby is now within our reach, we will never forget these two. They are still truly missed to this day.

Do you see the ticker...

4 months down!!! Okay just in case you didn't notice the ticker. We are now done with 4 months of waiting. This month was a little faster. And since July in pretty booked for us, I'm hoping that the next month goes even faster. Then it's on to Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Holidays. That should get us pretty close to our referral!!

It's a long distance call on my cell phone.....

So once we were on the waiting list in Taiwan, I began carrying my cell phone into the OR at work. Not really supposed to, but hey the Doctors do it. Besides, I don't want to miss that call. No on really calls my cell phone during the day, they usually just call the unit if they need me. So needless to say my cell phone just does not ring...it's just ready for the referral call. I've explained it to my managers and they know why I carry it. We just kinda overlook that right now. So I'm in the OR, doing my work and my CELL PHONE RINGS. Now I know it's waaaay toooo early, but I check the number to see who on earth would be calling my phone in the middle of the day. It's a long distance number!!!! OMG...IT'S A LONG DISTANCE NUMBER....
I don't know the area code for our agency...
BUT it's a long distance number...
My Stomach drops.....My Heart races....I feel the tears coming....my palms start sweating...
...for a split second the thought races through my head..
{I know it's early, too early in fact, but you never know...OMG...this is it}
"HELLO?"
"Hey is Robert there?"
"Robert, who's the @#$! is Robert, I'm sorry you have the wrong number!"
PURE DISAPPOINTMENT....MY stomach dropped again, but this wasn't the "good" drop it had just taken a moment before. I mean I know it's too early, but It WAS a long distance number. I just wanted to call this chick back and yell at her. Doesn't she know that my cell phone is reserved during weekday work hours for: #1 The referral call or #2 A real emergency. I wanted to explain to her that we are waiting on THE CALL. The most important call that we will ever receive. I wanted to tell her our entire life story, how we've tried for a very long time. That we are adopting and her wrong number call has just caused me much distress and disappointment. I wanted to tell her that she can't just go around dialing wrong numbers, the nerve of this girl. I wanted to ask her if she understood this. And please don't make this mistake again. Yes I know...a little on edge..but what can I say...

I know my thinking was a little over the top, but I seriously thought for just a moment that this was the call. Of course it wasn't, it was a wrong number....

But in case anyone is wondering...I'm ready...the cell phone is charged, it's in my pocket ready for that call. So the next time a long distance number comes across the caller id of my cell phone while I'm at work...my stomach will again drop, my heart will race, the tears will flow, my palms will sweat...and when I say "hello"
I'll hear...
"Ann..this is Bonnie.....from FHSA...."

Baseball anyone?

So a lot of people have been talking about retail therapy. You know going out and buying stuff, not entirely "needed", when you need a little bit of ummmm....therapy. Therapy for the waiting room that we are inevitably stuck in for many more months. So today Jon and I go to target because we need socks. Yes, this was the highlight of our weekend, but that's an entirely different story. I'm doing a little bit of scrapbook shopping so I have something to do with my time. But let me add that my retail therapy is always sizably less than Jon's. For about a month Jon has been looking at baseball gloves. I figured he was just fantasizing about when he gets his boy. Mind you we did not specify that we wanted a boy, but he figures he can either get a traditional baseball glove(if we get a boy) or the really cute purple and pink one(if we get a girl). I figured though that Jon was just fantasizing b/c in all reality he hasn't played baseball since like our first year of highschool. So I'm in the scrapbook section and here comes Jon all proud of himself with HIS new baseball glove and ball. HIS new glove, not one for a baby, but one for him. He has this goofy smile on his face and well who can say no. So we get home and he's all about this glove. He's throwing it up and basically playing ball with himself...I know..it's sad, but cute. He doesn't have anyone to play baseball with, but he has his new glove if anyones up for an impromptu game.
Then he decides that he's going to throw himself some grounders(in the house), he pounds the ball on the floor, **pop** he catches it. Throws another one, **wham**. Alright he's doing good...throws another one...***SLAM*** right into the collar bone. "Ummphff...ohhh" is all that I hear from the other room. He walks in to where I'm at with his head down...
"I'm done playing baseball for tonight....."
God I love him!!!

Waiting…

That’s all we know .
For years we waited for you to grow in my belly..
Patiently knowing that the seed would be planted and you would grow
….from our flesh and dreams, a child you would become.

But God had other plans for you
….and for us.
We had to wait…
You had to wait to grow..

We know this now...
and so we wait.

God chose another woman where you will grow for us
She will become your first mother
Her flesh will sustain you as you grow
Her heart will teach you of love
Before you are ever born

God told this woman, your first Mother that she too has to wait..
..wait for the right family to be there for you.

With a heavy heart she too will make the choice to wait
To wait to parent and wait for us…
To come together to be your forever family
Your Mommy and Daddy.

So Across continents…we wait
Across oceans…we pray
Across time…we know

You are waiting too..

The seed has been planted…
Our dreams, they will grow.

Her belly..
Our Heart.

We are all waiting child..
For you to become.

Please wait patiently our child
We are coming
We are waiting

Yes, we know..
You are waiting too….

-Mommy

Alllllright...I've been tagged....I'll play

Tag, and I'm IT! and then you're NEXT!

Okay, I have been tagged by Malou so here is MINE!!!

Seven Things

Seven things I'd like to do before I die:

1. Be a Mommy, and be good at it(obvious one)
2. Be a stay at home Mommy, and be good at it
3. Go back to Hawaii
4. Scuba the great reefs
5. Meet the Pope
6. Be able to run without my shins splitting, the back hurting, or my gastroc tearing
7. Sing in public---I really can sing...seriously!!

Seven things I can't do:

1. Keep my house clean like my Mother
2. higher level math, or math at the Walmart checkout-ask Jon I argued once with the lady at Walmart....about what I was owed....I was wrong!!
3. Maintain my weight...yuppers I'm a yo-yo'er
4. Run, without my shins splitting, my back hurting, or my gastroc tearing...really I've tried!
   
5. Go ONE FLIPPIN' day without checking all my blogs, yahoo groups, myspace, or emails
6. Live without a dog...or two..
7. Manage to get all the laundry washed, folded and put away in a week
   

Seven things that attracted me to my hubby:

1. Pure Chemistry
   
2. His big Heart!!
3. The fact that not having children was NOT an option
4. The importance of his family
5. That he's a Mommas boy
6. That he trusts me
7. That he loves me without condition
   

Seven books (or series of books) that I love

1. Marley and Me(get out the kleenex)
2. The Notebook(More kleenex please)
3. King of the Wind(my fav book as a kid)
4. The Horse Whisperer(Notice a theme)
5. Dean Koontz stuff
6. Anything by Nick. Sparks(I'm a sap)
   

Seven movies I'd watch over and over:

1. Dirty Dancing(I know all the dances, ask Jon, I've shown him)
2. Good Wil Hunting(How you like them apples)
   
3. Beaches(you are the wind beneath my wings..I can sing it too)
   
4. Brokedown Palace(If you haven't seen it..do so)
5. How to loose a Guy in 10 days(..ummm my Matthew's in it)
6. Salton Sea(It's NOT a drug movie...)
7. The Notebook
   

Seven people I'd like to tag:

1. I don't know 7
2. people that haven't
3. already been tagged
4. so, I guess
5. you're just
6. stuck
7. with lil' ole me
   

Have a good night all...

It's hopping out there..

"Out there" being the adoption world and in particular Taiwan. Everything seems to come in spurts. It'll be a while before anyone hears anything...no referrals, no travel, no calls. And just as everyone starts to feel despondante, someone gets a travel call. Then another person gets court approval, then two people get referrals. Then another and another and you can feel the exicitement building. You can feel the energy. I belong to several yahoo adoption groups, either specific to Taiwan, our agency, or Florida. Let me just say that these families are so wonderful and even though we haven't met, everyone is such a great support.
When you go through infertility, and for us it's been 4 years now, pregnancies and baby showers become so difficult. It's not that you aren't happy for other people. I mean they aren't getting pregnant to spite you. You aren't unhappy for those people either, you just become sad for yourself. You don't want to be sad when someone tells you that they are pregnant, but you just are. It's hard to explain if you haven't been through infertility, but you are. It's difficult then because you begin to feel guilty for not being as happy as you feel you should be. It's been like that for some time for us. I can't tell you how many times we cried together when we heard the news of someone else that was pregnant. But things changed the minute we decided to Adopt instead of try IVF. Then it was okay, because we weren't sad for ourselves everytime someone else got pregnant. You become excited again. I was thinking about this as all the referrals started pouring in. I find myself drawing energy from them and I'm not sad that it's them and not us. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I get so excited now when someone gets that call or I read all about their first meeting with their child. I check the boards many times a day to see whats happening. These Yahoo groups are great...and as you watch their stories unfold you get so much hope that one day your family will become complete. So as I read about landings in Taiwan, Gotcha Days, and referral news and see that it is indeed hopping out there right now, I draw on this and gather all the strength I'm gonna need for this wait.

Okay so this is how I feel sometimes. I found this on another adoption blog called Do they have salsa in China and they have t-shirts and stuff you can buy. I am so buying this shirt.

**Image/products are designed by and the copyright of M3**
Check out the Salsa in China merchandise right here

Officially 1/3 of the way to our baby...maybe

Okay today marks 3 months on the waiting list. Things are starting to move out there. I've heard of several referrals. Two couples from our agency rec'd referrals in the last week. YAY for them. That means we're two referrals closer. The wait for a referral was 6-12months, but recently the wait time has increased. UGGGHHH!! Now it's 9-12 months. So with that in mind we are 1/3 of the way to the minimum wait. Hopefully time will fly by and we will get our referral by the end of the year. We are confident that once our album is shown we will be chosen. We have to think positive eh? For every couple that receives a referral we are closer, so here' to hoping there are more referrals coming.

"Stop Lookin' at my hairy legs!!!!"

...that's what I said...
Jon's reply..."they weren't hairy when we were just friends"
Yah well we weren't married then, huh?

So as you can tell I have nothing to tell you about the adoption, we're waiting.. so I've resorted to giving you glimpses into our marriage.

This is not a high point!

This is a Good Day...

Jon hanging out with my Dad in the woods..
Me doing nothing at the house...
Going to the pool and meeting up with the nephews...
Watching Jon being a Great Uncle and seeing the smile on their faces as he threw them, over and over and over again in the pool...
Having the middle nephew fart as he was on Jon's shoulders in the pool(I so loved that one)....
Having my youngest nephew spend the night...
Watching the bats fly at dusk from my back porch with my nephew as the sun was setting...
Playing Stratego with my nephew and having him spank me at it...
Watching the two "boys" play PS2 and watching my nephew spank Jon and wreck his car...
Eating the sloppiest, cheesiest pizza EVER made....
Watching the nephew fall asleep on the couch and watching Jon carry him to bed airplane style while he continued to sleep....
Watching how excited the puppies were to realize that he was still here in the morning....
That was a good Day!!!!

Can I just Say.....

I love being "paper pregnant". For all of you that have been pregnant...I know there is stuff that I will miss, like feeling my baby kick and move. But I have to see the good in this and I have to find the humor. So for me being paper pregnant is awesome. I won't get morning sickness, I sure can do without that. I don't like to vomit. I won't get stretch marks, thank Goodness b/c I paid a lot of money for these tatoos. I won't get fat and you all know I love to eat, can you imagine? And the boobs(don't read this part DAD) ..they don't need to get any bigger!! And the giving birth thing...ooouch...that's gotta hurt, right? So overall, being "paper pregnant" seems to be working out for me. I get the glory. I get the baby. I glow.....what more could I ask for....this ROCKS!!!

Think about this...

You know it's weird how you come across things. I clicked on next blog I think and it brought me to this. This blog is from a man in the Phillipines and he has some powerful pictures. Scroll down past his latest entry. I felt an instant connection with these pictures because this(not this exact city) is where my Mother is from. Although I have only been there once and I only remember snipets from that trip. I have memories based on pictures and stories that my Mother told me. My parents raised me with a strong connection not only to my American heritage, but also to my Filipino heritage. When you think that you have it bad and your AC isn't working. Or the toilet is stopped up, think about how it is when you're NOT in the US or other well developed country. Think about how it could be.

Florida Home Studies and Adoption

Okay, so I just wanted to give a shout out to our Agency: Florida Home Studies and Adoption(FHSA), I have added a link for them if anyone wants to know more about them--->
I have to give them major kuddos, first for dealing with my totally neurotic self. Second for dealing my totally panic strickin' self.. We have said before that they are going to earn their money with us. So now that it's all done and over I can laugh about it but this is how it went a couple of weeks ago..
I was on my lunch break sitting at the front desk at work-
"Ann you have a phone call"
"this is Ann"
"hey it's me"
"What's up?"
"We got the letter from immigration"
"you don't sound good, it's not good is it?"
"No, blah, blah, blah, DENIED, blah blah blah" note: Jon didn't say denied, he said deficient...
but he's reading the letter to me and I hear... "DENIED, DENIED, blah, blah, more paperwork, blah, blah, by May 24,2006, DENIED..blah, blah, blah" another note: he still never said DENIED.
"blah, blah, blah"
..so there I was pacing at the front desk, tears streaming, trying to find a phone I could make a long distance phone call from...I find one, I'm by myself, and pure panic sets in....
I'm on the phone with the agency
"WE'VE BEEN DENIED!!!"
"What, I'm in total shock, we've never had anyone denied that had a favorable homestudy from us..never"
tears are now free flowing like a flippin waterfall, I'm sobbing, eyes bulging, chest heaving...not making any sense, can't get a real sentence out, "DENIED...I can't do this....why us..maybe we're not meant to be parents...DENIED...what are we going to do....DENIED.."
"Mrs. xxxxX? I'm so sorry, you must be very upset..I can only imagine, but please..what exactly did the letter say, do you have it with you?"
"DENIED!...it said DENIED!....I don't know what the letter says I DON'T HAVE IT WITH ME..."
"can you fax it to us please, so that we can see what it says.."
"Jon says it says denied, we've been denied...I can't fax it to you b/c I don't have it Jon has it...Well maybe he didn't say denied...he might have said deficient...yay maybe deficient."
"Okay, Ann, that's very different. That's not denied...I think we're okay...can you get Jon to fax it to us?"
...sob..sob...tears rolling...chest heaves...." but...we can't be denied....we had a favorable homestudy..." heave, heave....deep breath...
"okay...I'll call him"
"Ann I pretty sure we're okay if it just says deficient, they just want more info."
"ok"
So then I call Jon and he faxes it to them. By that night they were on the phone with our homestudy coordinator and she had started getting together what needed to be done. That night she emailed us telling us that she is working on it at that moment. Within days she had a "fluff" up of our homestudy with the added info they wanted, and by a week later they had the rest of it fed exed to immigration.
Phew...and you know the rest we were approved a week later. No problems.
So this is just a glimpse into the panic attack that I had. I think it's quite humerous now, b/c it's all okay. And Jon never said denied to me. I just lost it for a day or two there. But anyhow I just wanted to say that everyone at FHSA rocks, they took care of the situation with total grace, and calmness(which I needed) and made sure that everything was taken care of with the utmost of speed. SO Horray for FHSA, they are the bomb diggity!!

IMMIGRATION APPROVAL

Okay peoples I know we have't updated this bog, but that's b/c we were in limbo. We had a snag with immigration and were very scared that this adoption was't going to go through. We had to resubmit some stuff.. then pray that it would all work out. We were so busy todya getting ready for our annual Mother's Day outing at our house that we didn't even check the mail. So after grocery shopping Jon and I were both at the mailbox and there's this big envelope. I saw it was from immigration. My stomach dropped. It's only been a week since we resubmitted paperwork. Jon asked what it was. I told him and held it behind my back. We knew that this was what was going to make or break our dreams. I closed my eyes and opened the envelope. "NOTICE OF FAVORABLE DETERMINATION CONCERNING APPLICATION FOR ADVANCE PROCESSING OF ORPHAN PETITION". So here we were standing on the street hugging eachother and crying. It's okay. It's okay. We will get our child. so for those of you that don't know what this is. We hve to have advanced approval from the United States to bring an orphan ino the U.S. and without this we couldn't proceed with the adoption. So after a heart attack, two strokes, many tears, and onemajor panic attack...we are okay. "it has been determined that (we) are able to furnish proper care to an orphan or prphans..." YAY...phew!!!!!Oh and we have approval for two children...just in case.

live with intention

Jon says I don't have any good pictures of him on our blog. So here is a layout I did of us right before our first helicopter ride. He looks like a man's man here, right? Notice the little yellow thing around our waists. This was our parachute or something that was supposed to help if the helicopter went down. Do you see how little it was, I'm not too convinced it would've helped.

some scrapbooking Lo's

I really have nothing to post about, but I feel like I need to write something since I haven't posted in a while. Jen, got me back into scrapping when she helped me with the birthmother album. Boy, did she really get me back into things, she even gave me some stuff to get restarted. She's unleashed a fanatic. Since I have nothing to fill my days as I wait for our baby, I figured I would catch up on all our photos. Note: I'm still working on our honeymoon which was almost five years ago. So I have that to do, our actual wedding pictures, and a couple of vacations to scrap. That should keep me occupied until our little one gets here. I have to catch up b/c once the baby is here I'll have a slew of other pictures to scrap I'm sure. So here are a couple. I'm not very good yet, but I'll get there.

one month down..heh!

So I've waited until after midnight so I could officially say that we have made it through our first month of waiting. One month down...heh heh heh...it wasn't too bad...well maybe just a little...well a little worse than a little...kinda a little...did time slow that last month....no really...THAT WAS THE LOOOONGEST MONTH ...EVER!!!!

Night shift widow

Yes people I am a night shift widow. When I get home from work, I have to be stealth like so as not to wake the sleeping husband. Diligently working around the house...well not actually working, but that's what I tell him. It's more like hanging out on the computer or scrapping. But, then the magical hour approaches when I get to wake up the elusive sleeping prince. Quietly I approach him, but I must not do it too quickly or I risk a bear like reaction. Softly, almost whisper like.. "Honey? OHHHHH Honey....It's time to get up...time to go to work". If I have done my job correctly, I might get a sweet " alright, I'm up" If not done correctly the big bad bear rears his ugly head "What!?! it's not time yet! I heard you already!!" But most days this princess has done her job right, and gets to spend a magical hour with her prince. Then off to work he goes and I again becomes a night shift widow....

32 Reflections for 32 years...

32 YeARs!!! Happy Birthday to Me!!

1. I have earned my 32 years
2. I have learned to love me...faults and all
3. Everything happens as it is supposed to
4. I cannot control everything..although I try
5. I am often wrong(don't tell Jon)
6. I am more often right(had to put that)
7. I am totally in love with my husband
8. Marriage is hard
9. But marriage is soooo worth it
10. My family comes above all else
11. Sacrifice...for anything you truly want
12. I don't have patience..although I seek it
13. I am a true worrier
14. My heart is softer than I show others
15. I am truly shy although others don't see it
16. I used to be afraid of my own voice
17. I often speak before thinking
18. I honestly believe in my abilities in life
    
19. I fight for what I believe in
20. I truly believe in God and his hand in my life everyday
    
21. I love that I work with children everyday
22. I have made mistakes
    
23. I am very hard on me
24. I am learning to compromise
    
25. I am learning to slow down
26. I hate to shop
27. I love my dogs
28. I don't lie about my age...I embrace it
29. I thought I would have children by now
30. I know I'll be a great parent
31. The next year will change my life
32. In the next year I WILL become a MOMMY!!!